dude. thats a brutal possition to be in. i hated my step dad for various reasons, and kno what its like to sit at a dinner table and have nobody talking... just constant feelings of wtf if with u ppl. i was never physically harmed when i grew up, so i can't relate to that. but people are who they are. you should try, and its fukin hard, but u should try to accept that some people are just cruel and make bad desicions, and all u can do is learn from it and better yourself. now u kno not to beat your future children right? as for the gel... if you really dont want to do it dont do it. no you are not selfish at all. you were raised to hate getting whipped by ure dad, and unless you come to an agreement over eachothers feelings, u will probably always hate him.