hello my name is shane and i have finaly entered this retarded state of life changing that we all must go through. i am 16 and i have everything i need to live; a house, clothes, food, and alot of instruments. even with all of this i get depressed very often, to the point of suicide. i feel stupid saying that because i use to believe, why would anyone want to do such a thing... and then i turned 16. i don't get how anybody here (united states) gets depressed, because theres nothing really to be depressed about. we dont have soldiers from another country, busting into our homes and killing us even if we are innocent. sure, we had 9/11, but imagine shit like that happeneing all the time. if anybody should be depressed it should be those people in iraq. sure they have terrorists and "bad guys", but look at the usa. we aren't protecting ourselves we are invading, much like a modern day nazi party, but stupider. now that i have that out of my mind, i guess i will continue with my rant. i dont know or care if anybody reads this, i just needed to pretend like someone was listening. so why are teen years so troubling? i never knew the answer to that question till i had to start doing things. i was raised very spoiled, which i hate my parents for because it has left me blinded and unaware of things around me. whenever i see my mom and we exhange dialogue, its always so fake feeling. i can tell she doesnt approve of my chosen lifestyle, and despises my laziness. when i say lifestyle, i mean playing star wars kotor 2 for hours and then making music. those things make me happy, and i always hear people saying to do what makes them happy, but now i am being told that such things are wrong and unproductive. im sorry, but being productive is the least thing on my mind since the human race is doomed. who knows maybe all the other countries will get tired of usa's bs and whipe us out. so right now all i want to do is enjoy life and do what makes me happy: nothing. as for my mom, i never knew the way she really felt till my sister told me the things she says behind my back. i don't kno about everyone else, but when i heard that it got to the point where all i could think about was drowning myself in the lake outside our house DURing a family reunion. everyone lies, and if they say they dont, they are just lieing some more. ive done my share of lieing, and the guilt just builds up. so my family is in debt....it seems like everyone is. i hate that it happens though. why couldn't you just learn to not spend money on pointless shit? by pointless i mean buying a small trailer, firewood, junk food that nobody likes to eat but its there so we eat it neway, autoparts for a car that nOBODY DRIVES and shit like that. i just wanna fuckin break some shit and listen to some necrophagist. if you knew how to spend money we wouldnt be in debt and worrying about if we will be in the house for christmas. for how smart the human race is, theres alot of stupid people. if you havent seen the movie Idiocracy, you should. great movie, and i think a vivid look at the future. :cool: other then that life is good. if i could just fastfoward to the point where i move out, then i would love to do so. people say i should cherish these years, but the more i live the more i feel like its not worth it. i think life should be simple, but productive in a way by doin what is right. growing up in this nation i have been brainwashed to believe that all people worthy of recognition must look anorexic and/or star in some movies. hell we voted to have the terminator run california, which i have no problem with...i grew up watching those movies... but my point nonetheless. so i must sadly say that i have fallen into this wave of fake and plastic looks. i never really was a "fit" kid. i was a little overweight but then i grew. everyone tells me that i look fine but when i look in the mirror i AUTomatically compare myself to others. I even straighten my hair, which i hate myself for but if i don't just my curly hair makes me feel like i don't belong anywhere but alone. don't get me wrong, being in shape is a must. i starting running an hour a day since a couple weeks ago, and my life has changed dramatically. yet when i eat food if i eat too much i feel like i failed myself. so i think i should end this dull and boring five million word page essay. i am all ready feeling better and my plans of driving off to this field i kno of and takin the silver bullet are gone. i dont think there is way for anyone to be ultimately happy unless they can do wat they want and kno there is nothing to be lost. i have tried to find some post with people who have problems like mine, but gave up so fuk it, made my own. if neone can relate or can possibly lay down some life changing ideas, bust it out. i dont go to church. maybe someone will say thats my problem, but i wont ever believe in god till there is proof. christians and other religions get pissed off at science, trying to prove the big bang theory or whatever. but i dont see the church trying to prove anything... its like trying to talk to a five year old. you can tell me constantly that babies come from the mothers womb, and they will just sit there and say "nah-ah! im right, youre wrong! haha!" ...i kno i have a lil sis. ok for fux sakes ill stop writing. god i hope none of my friends read this lol :eek: