I didn't really know what to write in the title. I'm not the most unfortunate person in the world by a long shot, and I'd say I have a pretty good life. But I get real down about the most insignificant things, and also about my social life.

I don't feel there's anyone I can comfortably talk to about it, and whenever I've asked for advice from anyone, I've only ever talked about parts of my life to them. I guess that's how I found my way here, and now I've got the opportunity, I'm just gonna have a rant on it all if you guys don't mind. Just feeling like getting everything out for once, so bear with me.

I'm not really too sure how to word this thread, or what to say at all, so I'll just give you a bit of background, and then elaborate on the things I'm concerned about.

I'm a 16 year old male, living in a small city in New Zealand. I go to a Boys only school. I don't play sports, but am interested in drama, comedy and listening to music. My younger brother, turning 13 in a few months, has Autism. My parents are separated, but still get on well together. I live at both their houses during the week. I have about four friends I hang out with at school, but only two I'd consider to be close, and I have a few more who I' not as close to. I generally get on well with most other people in my year too.

Well school starts up again tomorrow (We've just had our Summer break here), and I'll be in my second to last year. I'll be doing subjects that I mostly like, so it's all good in that area, but I can't help feeling really depressed going in to it.

I have little to no motivation for things I'm uninterested in (A lot of school work), and I procrastinate like you wouldn't believe when it comes to doing assignments and study, and well, anything else that I generally find unpleasant. But I know I have potential to do very well, and I have done in the past, but since last year, I've just lost all care for work.

I worry about things. A lot. I'm in the school production, which I did last year too, and hated being a part of it until we started to perform, and so I'm constantly worrying about going to rehearsals. The whole day before one, I dread the thought of going, and yet, when I do go, it isn't that bad at all.

I don't go to parties, because I'm not in with the sort of crowd that would invite me to them. This isn't because I'm not popular or anything, but because I haven't got too close to anybody, for fear of what they'd think of my brother. It sounds horrible, I know, and in no way am I blaming my lack of a social life on him, it's just that I get really self conscious of what people at school will think of me, knowing what he's like. Because I don't go to parties, and go to a single sex school, I don't really interact with girls. Not that I'm awkward around them or anything, but I just don't get to interact with them much, something I feel I should be doing as a 16 year old.

I beat myself up over not really having any hobbies, or doing anything extra curricular. At my school, they really push for everyone to do extra curricular stuff. I did badminton for the first couple of years, because I do like it, but gave that up because it was a shit waste of time. I've done the production each year, and started up singing lessons which I enjoy.

I'm sick of having to carry all my gear between my mum's and dad's. I prefer staying at my mum's because the house is nicer, but I feel bad for my dad when I stay an extra night at my mum's or whatever. My mum is fairly old for a mother, she's 57 or something, and had to give up work as a Psychologist at the local university, because she had to be at home for my brother in case he needed to be picked up from school due to being unsettled. She has her own problems too. She gets exhausted easily, and really stressed out.

For about 6 straight months my bro went through an extremely aggressive phase. He would hit both students and teachers at school, as well as lash out and have tantrums at home. Much of the time, this would start at about 4 in the morning when he got up. He's since been trialled with various medications, and is now perfectly fine in terms of behaviour, but the drugs have made him over hungry, and he's put on a hell of a lot of weight. Again, not blaming him for anything, but I can't help but think that my life would so much easier and better, if he wasn't Autistic.

Here in New Zealand, you can get your learner's driver's license at the age of 15. It's just a scratchy test on basic things when it comes to driving. I applied for it mid last year, and failed it. It's probably one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me. I haven't told anyone, so only my parents know. I don't know of anyone who's ever failed it. I just walked in, without any study, thinking that I'd get it easy, but didn't. Most people in my year now have their restricted licenses, meaning they can drive alone. But my mum says I can only go for it again unless I'm willing to pay. That'll probably be about $70 NZD, which I can't afford unless I get a job, which is hard at the moment. Not being able to drive seems to be yet another blow to my social life.

My dad is really safety and health conscious, most would say overly so. This annoys me because he seems to criticize me on doing the most petty things.

Look I've probably written too much than was needed, and I could go on, but I won't. This is just all the negative stuff I can think of off the top of my head, but from someone else looking at my life, it'd seem pretty OK. And it is, in fact I'd say overall I have a better life than a lot of others, but ANYTHING negative gets me down and depressed.

I just feel real shit. Nothing really positive seems to be going for me. I'm just cruising along the line of mediocrity. And yet I know how I want to live my life, I know what I want changed, and ultimately what I need to do to get there. But the weight and effort of it all just seems too much, and so I block it out, and continue living in the same way. I procrastinate on changing. I want and sorta need to change, but have no motivation to at all. I don't know where to start. I guess this is a good first step though.

Thank you very much for reading.

---------- Post added at 10:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:28 PM ----------

I just realised that that's the main thing I need help with. Where to start. Change seems so incredibly daunting, and I have no clue in which area of my life I should work on first. I don't know what to do.