Okay. Please take the time to read this and help me. Im going crazy here and I think of myself as a pretty sane person.
About me: music is my life. i sing and play guitar, write my own music, yada yada yada. I have a lot of hobbiers like skating, snowboarding, etc. I have plenty of great friends and im not a loser!
Im 16 years old as of Feb. 10 2010, and Ive been smoking weed since Feb. of 2009. Since then I got expelled from my high school for selling lettuce to somebody off school grounds claiming it was weed. Funny shit. But not so funny once i got caught.
So now I go to a catholic school as a sophomore. Im buddhist if any religion at all. My parents have caught me smoking at least 50 times. I believe that I have complete rights to be smoking at my house in the middle of the woods in a small town, by myself to relieve my anxiety and depression. Especially where in Connecticut, first time offences of smoking weed maybe has a small fine at most.
My parents say im addicted to weed, and I dont disagree. But i think that I only smoke because i have had major depression and anxiety since i was 9. When i first smoked it was like heaven and everytime after that its just like clearing all the fog out of my head of anxiety.
So both of my parents used to smoke weed recreationally (neither have depression issues or really any issues). And my dad blew coke a few times too. They just dont understand how i feel and why i want to smoke weed. I love weed by the way. They've been trying to send me to rehab since i started and no facilities will take me in because im not bad enough. They send me to therapy, but i asked for that because I really do want to find an alternative to smoking weed because its caused so much trouble for me.
This has been breaking my parents hearts and really ruining our relationship. I love my family to death and I can't believe I'm hurting them so badly, but I just wont stop smoking. I mean, come on, excuse my language but I'm a fucking straight A and B student and I never get in trouble. Im really kind, and extremely sensitive.
So around October of 2009 I proposed a contract to my parents, who are adament about not ever allowing me to smoke weed. I titled it "Proposal to achieve happiness and peace within the family" because thats the main goal. On my part of the contract i must:
-Get straight A's
-Form good study habits (due to their request)
-stay out of trouble in all areas including school, police, soccer team, etc.
-Dont become friends with potheads
-Get a job
-Not have possesion of weed at school
-no drinking alcohol (their request)
-wont be high when there is company at the house (their request)
-wont get other people high (their request)
-wont let my two sisters know about the contract (their request)
-and wont grow weed (their request)
The contract stated that my parents will, for one month, "turn their heads" when I smoke weed smartly. With smartly meaning:
-after all obligations have been fulfilled such as studying, sports, and work.
-i must stay hidden and not tell anyone about the contract
-use eyedrops
If the contract goes well for the one month, it will be renewed after the end of the month, with appropriate changes necessary.
I said its worth a try...why not? What harm will one month of trying do?
But even after i added in their requests to the contract, they thought about it for a while, but decided they wont agree. FML.
So I guess i put so much effort into writing about this contract is because I think my parents are stupid for not agreeing. Their reasoning was because its illegal and they dont want me to. I think that they need to open their eyes and realize that im not asking for anything compared to what Ill do for them just to gain peace.
After they rejected the contract, i tried to get myself help. I began going to an outpatient rehab that met tuesdays and thursdays and included drug testing. I even went to AA meetings a few times. It just didnt help. I am so much happier when i am able to smoke weed, and it isnt worth living a shitty life to not smoke weed.
So here I am now, contemplating running away. I think about suicide often, wondering whether its worth it. I neverrrrr end up thinking about harming myself though. Life is great, and I believe you only live once, so you better live the best life you possibly can.
My parents threaten to kick me out of the house, which i really wouldnt mind, even though I care about my family soooo freakin much. I just dont think its worth living this way sometimes. Ive seriously been grounded for 90% of the time since i started smoking weed because every time my parents catch me thats what they do. I havent seen my cell phone since then either. They dont let me see some of my best friends at all. The worst part is I cant get my driving permit until god knows when. I hate them. But not really, i freakin love them to death.
I feel like im forgetting some things...I guess ill add them in if i remember.
Give me advice, any thoughts, do you think I should propose the contract again? Let me know...Im really struggling here.
About me: music is my life. i sing and play guitar, write my own music, yada yada yada. I have a lot of hobbiers like skating, snowboarding, etc. I have plenty of great friends and im not a loser!
Im 16 years old as of Feb. 10 2010, and Ive been smoking weed since Feb. of 2009. Since then I got expelled from my high school for selling lettuce to somebody off school grounds claiming it was weed. Funny shit. But not so funny once i got caught.
So now I go to a catholic school as a sophomore. Im buddhist if any religion at all. My parents have caught me smoking at least 50 times. I believe that I have complete rights to be smoking at my house in the middle of the woods in a small town, by myself to relieve my anxiety and depression. Especially where in Connecticut, first time offences of smoking weed maybe has a small fine at most.
My parents say im addicted to weed, and I dont disagree. But i think that I only smoke because i have had major depression and anxiety since i was 9. When i first smoked it was like heaven and everytime after that its just like clearing all the fog out of my head of anxiety.
So both of my parents used to smoke weed recreationally (neither have depression issues or really any issues). And my dad blew coke a few times too. They just dont understand how i feel and why i want to smoke weed. I love weed by the way. They've been trying to send me to rehab since i started and no facilities will take me in because im not bad enough. They send me to therapy, but i asked for that because I really do want to find an alternative to smoking weed because its caused so much trouble for me.
This has been breaking my parents hearts and really ruining our relationship. I love my family to death and I can't believe I'm hurting them so badly, but I just wont stop smoking. I mean, come on, excuse my language but I'm a fucking straight A and B student and I never get in trouble. Im really kind, and extremely sensitive.
So around October of 2009 I proposed a contract to my parents, who are adament about not ever allowing me to smoke weed. I titled it "Proposal to achieve happiness and peace within the family" because thats the main goal. On my part of the contract i must:
-Get straight A's
-Form good study habits (due to their request)
-stay out of trouble in all areas including school, police, soccer team, etc.
-Dont become friends with potheads
-Get a job
-Not have possesion of weed at school
-no drinking alcohol (their request)
-wont be high when there is company at the house (their request)
-wont get other people high (their request)
-wont let my two sisters know about the contract (their request)
-and wont grow weed (their request)
The contract stated that my parents will, for one month, "turn their heads" when I smoke weed smartly. With smartly meaning:
-after all obligations have been fulfilled such as studying, sports, and work.
-i must stay hidden and not tell anyone about the contract
-use eyedrops
If the contract goes well for the one month, it will be renewed after the end of the month, with appropriate changes necessary.
I said its worth a try...why not? What harm will one month of trying do?
But even after i added in their requests to the contract, they thought about it for a while, but decided they wont agree. FML.
So I guess i put so much effort into writing about this contract is because I think my parents are stupid for not agreeing. Their reasoning was because its illegal and they dont want me to. I think that they need to open their eyes and realize that im not asking for anything compared to what Ill do for them just to gain peace.
After they rejected the contract, i tried to get myself help. I began going to an outpatient rehab that met tuesdays and thursdays and included drug testing. I even went to AA meetings a few times. It just didnt help. I am so much happier when i am able to smoke weed, and it isnt worth living a shitty life to not smoke weed.
So here I am now, contemplating running away. I think about suicide often, wondering whether its worth it. I neverrrrr end up thinking about harming myself though. Life is great, and I believe you only live once, so you better live the best life you possibly can.
My parents threaten to kick me out of the house, which i really wouldnt mind, even though I care about my family soooo freakin much. I just dont think its worth living this way sometimes. Ive seriously been grounded for 90% of the time since i started smoking weed because every time my parents catch me thats what they do. I havent seen my cell phone since then either. They dont let me see some of my best friends at all. The worst part is I cant get my driving permit until god knows when. I hate them. But not really, i freakin love them to death.
I feel like im forgetting some things...I guess ill add them in if i remember.
Give me advice, any thoughts, do you think I should propose the contract again? Let me know...Im really struggling here.