20 days means nothing anymore.

    • 20 days means nothing anymore.

      Okay so I went 20 days without cutting and i was really proud of myself, I felt so much better and thought 'i'm never going to do that again, i'm doing to well, i can't mess it up now'. Well, I started thinking about everything thats gone on and I began to get more and more upset. So I went into the box where i'd hidden the blade from myself and cut. I felt awful after i'd done it, i couldn't believe i'd actually ruined everything i'd achieved but when i was doing it, it made me feel so good. Like everything had gone away and everything was fine again. I cut pretty bad and i had to tell my friend (as she insist in me telling her so she knows what i'm doing, so she can help) The cuts where bad but knowing she was disappointed in me was the worst feeling ever. I also have another friend that knows about me cutting and he also found out i'd done it, also giving me the worst feeling ever. So they both spoke to me, you know giving me the same old lecture, so i stopped and told myself no more. Monday night, the blade came out again. Tuesday night, the blade came out again. Once again i told my friend because id cut too far and i wouldn't stop bleeding so i was worried but even though i didn't want it to bleed, the more it bled the more i wanted to do it again.. so I did, and again, and again, despite my friend begging me to stop. I just couldn't, the more it bled the more i wanted to do it again. I know I did 20 days before but i don't think i can do it again. Whenever things start to get better, something goes wrong again and i cut. I don't know what to do, the cuts are getting deeper, more noticeable but i just cant stop. Sounds silly really, you'd think you'd be able to just stop cutting yourself but you become addicted to it, nothing makes me feel better other than cutting. I get help from my friends but sometimes i just don't listen and i cut anyway. I can't tell my parents, the'd never understand. It's got to the point now where i sit in lessons at school and think about where, how far am i going to cut tonight? I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to stop. I feel so stupid and worthless. I don't even understand why i cut myself, thats why it's so stupid :/
      Any advice?
      And i feel like I'm [COLOR="Red"]breaking[/COLOR] up and I wanted to [COLOR="red"]stay[/COLOR]...(8)

    • Re: 20 days means nothing anymore.

      I'll give my 50 cents on this yo

      the fact that you kept the blade and hid it in a location where you'd have easy access to it again means that you essentially kept the temptation to cut as well

      my advice to you is to throw the blade away into the trash or river or whatever, or give it to your friends to toss out, it really does represent a lot of bad thoughts you're trying to get away from yo, that's the first thing you should do.

      The second thing I have to say is this, I told you this before, I'll say it again. While some people can break free from the temptation to cut and depression on their own with the help of family and friends, there are others who need professional help in addition to that. While your friends are trying to help you out and can be a good social support system, they don't have the knowledge or experience when dealing with cases like yours.

      Despite how much you think you can't tell your parents, I'm sorry, but you NEED to tell your parents what is going on with you now. If you're afraid they'll be angry, not understanding, or hurt, don't be. If your parents truly love you and are good parents, they'll do everything in their power to give you the help you need to get better yo, no matter what differences they may have or what their feelings are about you cutting

      You're in a position now where you think your helpless and you're bringing all this onto yourself, but in actuality, you have so many options available to get better. I said this before as well, there isn't any shame in telling your parents or going to see a psychologist for therapy or help. Many people are going through the same things you are or have gone through them and become better mentally and physically after getting professional help as well. You shouldn't make yourself an exception to all that.

      The post was edited 2 times, last by Prophet of 50 Cent ().

    • Re: 20 days means nothing anymore.

      Hey Katie, relapses are part of the 'cure'. You cant expect to quit all at once, it would be awesome but its unrealistic.

      Dont be hard on yourself because you went back to an unproductive pattern of behavior. Its all part of the process.

      Now, if you know that your weakness is the computer, for example, then don't go to places where there is one. Now, on to you, if you know that if you have access to blades it will lead you to mutilate and cut yourself, get rid of them. In your case you had one saved away. So you knew where to find it and all you had to do was go get it and cut. Get rid of them.

      If your parents dont understand can you talk to a school counselor. They can help talk to your parents and make it easier to comprehend.

      In the mean time dont go anywhere near a blade, if you have urges, go for a walk if you can, or talk to a friend on the phone, occupy yourself on something else to keep those thoughts away. If you still have that blade trow it away for good.

    • Re: 20 days means nothing anymore.

      I've thrown my blade away twice before and the next day i've found something else to do it with. It's at the point now where i actually want to cut myself, as punishment for everything i've done wrong. I know it sounds crazy and it probably is but i can't help it, thats how i feel. My parents can't find out, from anyone, ever. They would never understand. I know what they think about this kind of thing and if they found out the'd send me away or kick me out of the house. They wouldn't help. :/
      And i feel like I'm [COLOR="Red"]breaking[/COLOR] up and I wanted to [COLOR="red"]stay[/COLOR]...(8)

    • Re: 20 days means nothing anymore.

      Katie, why would you want to punish yourself for your mistakes?

      We learn from them, but we dont punish ourselves because we are human being that make mistakes, its part of us, we are not perfect...

      If you feel that you will continue to cut yourself you need to get yourself help before its too late. What makes you so sure that your parents will not tolerate this? You need to be assisted. You can use some guidance right now and thats ok.

      I think there is much more to this katie, i think that you cut because when you do the physical pain lessens the emotional pain. Which is why seeing someone that will guide you would be so helpful, so that you will have someone on your team working together with you and helping you cope, one day at a time.

      The post was edited 1 time, last by PhillyStorm ().

    • Re: 20 days means nothing anymore.

      Katie, don't be so silly, EVERYONE makes mistakes, some big, some small but you don't need to be punished hun!

      I think you did VERY well to manage 20 days and you're so brave for battling through the mentality of resisting the urge to do it, and I'm so proud of you!! and going cold turkey on something as addictive as this is virtually impossible, you're going to have bad days where you slip up but you need to remember that you managed to go 3 weeks without it before so you CAN do that again because you are brave, you are strong and you are Katie. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. :)

      I think it's great that your friends are there for you like that, however confessing that you relapsed to them probably wasn't a good idea because then you feel guilty for making them worried about you and you really don't need the extra negativity, so perhaps talk to a school councillor about it all, I think that's your best bet for the time being, it's not your parents, they're not going to make you feel guilty and they defiantly wont judge you, they will help you and it's confidential... I felt a million times lighter after I'd seen mine for the first time, I cannot describe how much better I suddenly felt!! :)

      I have struggle with trying to stop cutting for nearly 3 years, but I con honestly say I think the only way I managed to get to where I am now (hardly ever doing it and when I do it's not nearly as bad or out of control) without the aid off Ann who is my councillor.

      Please be careful! and good luck message me if ever you need to talk or anything!! x