Hello,

It seems like you feel lonely and you feel like there is something wrong with you because you are comparing yourself with others and if you dont have as much as others you take it as "there is something wrong with me."

Some people are more social than others and thats fine. However it seems that with you, you feel a terrible lack that you must fill with people.

Your desire is to be what they desire.

It only seems that they will complete you but you will find that when you have 20 you will still feel lacking.

Why would you need so many? What will they do?

I think you are trying to cover up that which you dont like in you by replacing it with people.

We all lack something and feel fragmented and that other things will complete us or make us whole but those things we think will do that for us are just that..external objects.

I wrote this to suggest to you to explore that in you.

Take care.

you just gotta be cool dawg

Lostpariah,
In the immortal words of Morgan Freeman "get busy living or get busy dying, that's goddamn right" One of my favorite quotes. I have a few suggestions some of which require change on your part though friendships are like marriages, they require compromise and sometimes are on the rocks. If you have problems/issues I can't really give you advice on them if I don't know what they are but that actually doesn't matter a lot for what I'm going to say. Blunt truth alert: If someone is negative all the time or constantly unhappy with everything in the world people don't want to be around you. Misery loves company, but having fun and being happy don't want to keep company with misery. So for your 'in the flesh' friends and I realize this is kind of obvious but stop. Stop complaining, stop discussing them to people who don't want to be drug down. Part of why you feel the way do is cause you think about these things all to much. I realize this can't be helped at times. Honestly though around your friends and even at home and I know a ton of people are gonna get pissed when I say this probably but the sooner you start pretending you are happy, the sooner you will be.

Your problems are very real to you obviously no matter who doesn't want to hear them though. So that is really something you need to work on and explore. I would honesty suggest things like this, forums but for your particular issue whatever it may be. Search for some forums that have the same problems so that you have a place to talk about your issues with people who will empathize and be supportive. I won't say understand cause it's not the right word every situation is different. Also I'm thinking you may suffer from what I call 'one up it syndrome' (this is not medical it's a concept and I made up the name) Which is basically if someone you are talking to says "Oh I had an awful day" instead of listening to them Your response is to say "couldn't be as bad as mine is" and launch into your own story. I know this can push a lot of people away so whoever you do talk to try not to do this sometimes you are going to have to be the strong one for someone.

Okay definitely you need friends. It will make your senior year much more fun. So a few ways to do this it seems like you have some friends that you could mend relationships with so let's start there. Plan something with them and the key is to not let them ditch. So suggest something and don't make it a 'let's meet here' tell your friends you'll pick them up. No car.. well oh well try something you think they are going to be going to anyway, football game, or well baseball since it's summer. The key here is to not keep acting like the you they want to run away from. I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities that they liked and that was why you were friends in the first place. Boys are honesty about 10 times more forgiving and accepting then girls are. Which again don't say "Oh I"m sorry I was like this" cause then it just reminds them. If it's been a while chances are they have let go of whatever was the issue in the first place.

Good Luck

Jesse,

as always, RELAX!

Sometimes in life you will have to 'fake it til you make it', as far as faking happiness goes. Nobody likes to be miserable or be around miserable-ness. (Why do you think im always smiling? haha) But you also have to find people who will be comfortable accepting who you really are; you can fake your emotions sometimes, but you should never fake who you really are. Why do you think i like hiding out in G's room? He just accepts people as is; he really doesn't care about any of that childish crap people at our school tends to obsess over so much.

As far as ditching, I like what EliseBell said about picking people up instead of arranging to meet. But also, you have to give some leeway for when people can't come. it's not always a personal thing or that they're actually ditching you; sometimes you have to allow that other things that are more important may surface. I know you've told me a friend of yours ditched you for her man, and that's not what i mean by leeway. That was rude of her to do, but at this point, you can only put this situation and other ones past you, and you can't cling to things and let them fester.

Also, i think you have a problem with problems, as ironic as that may sound. As a friend of yours, I feel that you are a bit overly-trusting and tend to wear yourself on your sleeve too much. You're not afraid to share your problems with people you trust, and that's great. However, you trust too many people with too many things. Friends are here to help carry burdens, but you must keep in mind everyone has their own things to carry, and many will crumble under the added weight of yours and others' burdens. So you have to keep a limit on how much you tell people and how many people you tell, because i myself have learned you cant trust just anyone with a secret, and certain people can't handle certain things.

Random note: i love that you used the word "fizzled". Just a thought.

What I meant by being the others desire is being what they like. You want them to like you and be your friends, therefore that can only happen if they desire you. I must clarify that when I speak of desire it is not referring to only a passionate/erotic desire. Im mean desire you as a friend someone they want.

Yes your comparing yourself to them proves my point of your sense of lack. You compare yourself to them because you want to see how much you lack and how to try to become them in the sense that you can be whole like you see them. I agree we do tend to compere ourselves to others. Sometimes we try to see parts of us in others. But in your case you see the others as complete others and you see you as a fragmented other that is never whole and you compare you to those others to see how you can be whole like the images of the others you see.

There is nothing wrong with trying to be like someone else or have a role model, the problem only comes when we have a problem with it and it keeps repeating itself. Perhaps deep down you are trying to become existent in them. You want them to notice you and not ignore you, you are looking for them to make you alive. Or to see yourself alive when they notice you. Alive in the sense that you will feel a being when you get their gaze and find yourself.

I will like to tell you now that that which you are trying to 'fix' will not be fixed. Others are just as lacking as you are, after all its what makes us so uniquely human.

To find the things which you are looking for you cannot find it in others you can only find it by looking deep within you.

Instead of looking at the situation and trying to figure out what you lack or what you are and have, look at it and think "How can I deal with that?"

Well why should you pretend? The answer is cause you will be if you stop constantly telling yourself how upset and sad and unhappy you are. It's meant for you to take yourself out of the 'eyore' mindset (this is a downer donkey from winnie the pooh, lol google it if you don't know) You are spending a lot of time basically going, my life sucks. Well yes it does and if that is all you ever think about then it always will. You need to do things to break yourself out of that depression and acceptance cycle you seem to have going on. You want to make an effort but if anything happens even the slightest setback you are back at square one and throwing your hands up in resignation to just be unhappy forever again. You can't expect instant results you have to stick with it and not constantly regress and jump off cliffs so to speak when there are minor set backs. 1 step forward and 3 back will only get you deeper into the hole of self pity. It's hard to climb back out no one is saying it is easy but if you can stick with it and try to not dwell, try to pretend you are happy. I mean really do you think that if all you ever do is act depressed you'll be happy? So what is the harm in trying my way. The forced smiles turn into real ones before you even notice it. Because you're having fun instead of sitting around telling everyone how much you hate your life. Anyway, good luck to you.