I know it's been a long time since I've been on this site and I probably don't deserve to post anything, but I need some way to vent right now.
I'm so sick of feeling like the biggest bitch in the world. I know it's not even true - I'm actually pretty nice - but that doesn't stop that inner voice from telling me that I'm the worst thing to walk the earth.
For years I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and I can't figure it out - apparently neither can my many doctors. In middle school one thing led to another and I basically taught myself that self harm was the solution to every stress. I've struggled with bad times and some better for what seems like an eternity. Over the last few months I was finally able to slow myself to a point where I often thought about it, but didn't really think it was necessary. Now I seem to be letting go again, and it makes me hate myself.
I know the most important part is not giving up, even though I'm slipping, but I just can't get over the habit.
I'm not even depressed all of the time. Many people wouldn't even think of me as depressed, because I'm often a very happy, funny person. So then why do I have such severe periods of low that I can think my only way out is death?
I've been to psychiatrists before and since I also have periods of "happy" they all say that I'm either a) not depressed or b) slightly depressed but nothing to worry about.
I wish someone would just give me a straight answer. I can't help but think I'd feel better if I actually knew what was wrong with me and didn't just think I was crazy.
But I guess that may be a hopeless dream. I'll just have to keep struggling with fighting off those impulsive, harmful thoughts.
I'm mostly scared it will continue to get worse, no matter how hard I try.
Well, that's the end of story time. I guess there isn't any kind of response I expect to this - but if anyone is like me and knows what the hell is wrong (or has an idea) I'd appreciate hearing it.
I'm so sick of feeling like the biggest bitch in the world. I know it's not even true - I'm actually pretty nice - but that doesn't stop that inner voice from telling me that I'm the worst thing to walk the earth.
For years I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and I can't figure it out - apparently neither can my many doctors. In middle school one thing led to another and I basically taught myself that self harm was the solution to every stress. I've struggled with bad times and some better for what seems like an eternity. Over the last few months I was finally able to slow myself to a point where I often thought about it, but didn't really think it was necessary. Now I seem to be letting go again, and it makes me hate myself.
I know the most important part is not giving up, even though I'm slipping, but I just can't get over the habit.
I'm not even depressed all of the time. Many people wouldn't even think of me as depressed, because I'm often a very happy, funny person. So then why do I have such severe periods of low that I can think my only way out is death?
I've been to psychiatrists before and since I also have periods of "happy" they all say that I'm either a) not depressed or b) slightly depressed but nothing to worry about.
I wish someone would just give me a straight answer. I can't help but think I'd feel better if I actually knew what was wrong with me and didn't just think I was crazy.
But I guess that may be a hopeless dream. I'll just have to keep struggling with fighting off those impulsive, harmful thoughts.
I'm mostly scared it will continue to get worse, no matter how hard I try.
Well, that's the end of story time. I guess there isn't any kind of response I expect to this - but if anyone is like me and knows what the hell is wrong (or has an idea) I'd appreciate hearing it.