Seriously, what the fuck?
Let me just count how many friends I have... oh wait I have none. I mean, I have those acquaintances, the people I stand with in the morning, the people I sit next to in class. But really, I have no real friends. This is my fault, I know. Most of the time, I don't really care, I just do my own thing, and most of the time, I'm okay with it.
But then there's this cycle, like right now. I suddenly realize, again, that I have literally nobody to really talk to, to have a deep conversation with. I did have a best friend once. Since 3rd grade (I'm a Junior now), we were friends. We always texted and talked about the deepest things. Before then, since I was so shy and guarded, she spent literally months slowly convincing me to open up to her. I told her about the people I liked, the people I dated, the heart breaks. And then I was so naive that I was surprised when she asked me out. I was so oblivious. I told her that I wasn't ready, I wanted to grow up some more.
We don't text anymore. She said she was over me. I just wanted to stay friends, and now I don't have a best friend. And then Summer came, and because I make no effort to hang out with people, thats when I lose most of my friends. To top it off I'm in a program where you go to college while still in high school, so in college, I have no friends.
I know at this point I'm just rambling, but I'm not sure what to do or what to think. I've been through this cycle so many times that I know that in a couple of days I'll go back to not caring that I lack any friends, but I don't really want to go back there, because when I'm there, I honestly could care less about making friends. But right now, I just want someone to talk to.
Whenever I had some sort of realization in my life, I would text her, my best friend. But I haven't talked to her in so long. I feel like I have so much that I want to talk about, but no one to talk to. Again, I know this is my fault. But before, I didn't care. But sometimes it gets too be too much and it crushes me and it feels like I'm being deprived of something.
Let me just count how many friends I have... oh wait I have none. I mean, I have those acquaintances, the people I stand with in the morning, the people I sit next to in class. But really, I have no real friends. This is my fault, I know. Most of the time, I don't really care, I just do my own thing, and most of the time, I'm okay with it.
But then there's this cycle, like right now. I suddenly realize, again, that I have literally nobody to really talk to, to have a deep conversation with. I did have a best friend once. Since 3rd grade (I'm a Junior now), we were friends. We always texted and talked about the deepest things. Before then, since I was so shy and guarded, she spent literally months slowly convincing me to open up to her. I told her about the people I liked, the people I dated, the heart breaks. And then I was so naive that I was surprised when she asked me out. I was so oblivious. I told her that I wasn't ready, I wanted to grow up some more.
We don't text anymore. She said she was over me. I just wanted to stay friends, and now I don't have a best friend. And then Summer came, and because I make no effort to hang out with people, thats when I lose most of my friends. To top it off I'm in a program where you go to college while still in high school, so in college, I have no friends.
I know at this point I'm just rambling, but I'm not sure what to do or what to think. I've been through this cycle so many times that I know that in a couple of days I'll go back to not caring that I lack any friends, but I don't really want to go back there, because when I'm there, I honestly could care less about making friends. But right now, I just want someone to talk to.
Whenever I had some sort of realization in my life, I would text her, my best friend. But I haven't talked to her in so long. I feel like I have so much that I want to talk about, but no one to talk to. Again, I know this is my fault. But before, I didn't care. But sometimes it gets too be too much and it crushes me and it feels like I'm being deprived of something.