A few days ago, one of my best mates came up to me and told me that he was Bi. He said I was the first he told and that he has been hanging on to this for about four years now. Now the thing is, now it feels different. I mean nothing has changed; he’s still the same guy that I’ve been best friends with for seven years but it feels different now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not discriminate to anyone because of their sexual orientation, I don’t care that he’s Bi, it means nothing, he’s still my mate and always will be. But there’s something there now, I was talking with him, cracking on as usual but there was a wall between us, a slight wall but a very distinctive wall. I’m not worried about him hitting on me or anything, when he told me that was the first thing he said, that he has no feeling for me. I hate myself, I hate myself for feeling like this because nothing about him as changed, nothing but it feels like it has and that me, and I hate it. He asked if it was awkward and I lied, I said no, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or put an even bigger wall between us.
And what makes me feel worse about feeling this way is, I’m his only support at the moment. You see besides me, he only has two other friends and both are homophobic, one is extremely homophobic while the other isn’t so much. On top of that, His Mother, while having no real prejudices against gays, doesn’t think its natural, and he’s worried about that. I’m the only one that knows because he says that I’m the only one that he thinks can deal with it, and that makes me feel horrible because of how I feel. I can deal with it but I don’t know if it’s because he’s been my mates for so , that he’s the only bisexual man I know ( I’m friends with quite a few Bi girls, just no boys until now) or for some other reason, I don’t know and I hate myself for it. He talks about it, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable, not because of what he’s talking about but because of how I react to it I suppose. This is all me, not him, it’s me that is doing this and it’s me that could potentially put a wedge in our friendship.
He’s gone off to America for a couple of weeks so I’ve got some time to get my head around this. Try and figure out why I’m feeling this way and how to fix it before he comes back. So if you have any advice or anything I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
And what makes me feel worse about feeling this way is, I’m his only support at the moment. You see besides me, he only has two other friends and both are homophobic, one is extremely homophobic while the other isn’t so much. On top of that, His Mother, while having no real prejudices against gays, doesn’t think its natural, and he’s worried about that. I’m the only one that knows because he says that I’m the only one that he thinks can deal with it, and that makes me feel horrible because of how I feel. I can deal with it but I don’t know if it’s because he’s been my mates for so , that he’s the only bisexual man I know ( I’m friends with quite a few Bi girls, just no boys until now) or for some other reason, I don’t know and I hate myself for it. He talks about it, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable, not because of what he’s talking about but because of how I react to it I suppose. This is all me, not him, it’s me that is doing this and it’s me that could potentially put a wedge in our friendship.
He’s gone off to America for a couple of weeks so I’ve got some time to get my head around this. Try and figure out why I’m feeling this way and how to fix it before he comes back. So if you have any advice or anything I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Thank you.