Six months ago, I came here and posted [/general-teen-advice/148389-im-lost.html] hoping to be pulled from an awful depression. Although there was some support, I got nowhere. I have gotten increasingly worse since then, and I constantly consider running away or even suicide.
The problem is, I don't understand what I want to run away from, and I just can't find the power or the will to kill myself. It just won't happen (even though I've devised a foolproof way to make it look like a murder for the sake of not revealing how I actually feel.)
Right now, in a shoebox in my closet, there is a single sharpener blade. I haven't used one in approximately 4 months, even though night after night I have the urge to. My father found my first two, and this current one I stole from one of my little brothers' sharpeners in their school supply box (how sick is that?) I wish I could get rid of it, but I feel safer having it there just in case I need it again. Tonight I'm having the worst urge to use it.
Over the last three months I have begun to feel more and more distant from everything around me. I don't have any strong connections to the people around me, I have lost any sense of support from my one confidant, my once-best friend hasn't talked to me in 9 months, and I am gradually losing my mind.
Since that thread, my anxiety issues have become more and more apparent. Over the summer, I was supposed to go to 2 camps. The first I went to, but broke down on the second night because of the claustrophobia and social anxiety of the situation (even though I had done that camp two years before.) The second camp, however, was a disaster. After driving nearly 4 hours to it, I had an absolute meltdown resulting in my father being absolutely pissed and grounding me, a camp counselor trying to convince me to stay, and embarrassing myself in front of other campers. I avoided my parents for the entire week after returning home. I just felt so anxious about being there for some reason. I couldn't stand to meet anybody. I couldn't face anybody or interact with anybody or get along with anybody for that week, so I finally gave in. It was horrible, and my father later came to me and suggested again that I go to a psychologist (which, yet again, I doubt he even has a list of available psyches, nor would push me to go; and also, yet again, I highly doubt it would work for me.)
Besides that incident, this school year so far has been a nightmare. Besides the people I know from my hometown (I am now attending a special collegiate school) I know next to nobody. I am constantly worrying about my appearance, especially my weight, my clothes, and my face. I rarely make eye contact without being embarrassed and I avoid being around people I don't know at all costs. On Wednesday I even stayed home because I didn't want to face people that day.
It's hard for me to sleep. I try, and some nights lay there for hours before being successful at falling asleep. When I do, it's either dreamless or unfulfilling. I can't sit still, experience heavy withdrawal without caffeine, and generally wake up feeling like crap. Most days, it is just awful to get out of bed. I no longer have a reason to, and wish I could run away from my life. I don't want to go to school but I also don't want to let my parents down (so far, all of my older siblings have gone sour. They are depending on me, and have said it many times.) I don't have any feeling at all in my body; not a tingling numbness, but just a lifelessness. I don't have anybody to go to and a professional would only be, in my eyes, a fake friend.
Even more so than six months ago, I am completely lost. I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here or who to go to. I'm afraid I have SAD and GAD, and as of late I have gotten increasingly paranoid. I need help but I don't want to get it.
I cannot express my feelings. Please, I am begging for suggestions...
The problem is, I don't understand what I want to run away from, and I just can't find the power or the will to kill myself. It just won't happen (even though I've devised a foolproof way to make it look like a murder for the sake of not revealing how I actually feel.)
Right now, in a shoebox in my closet, there is a single sharpener blade. I haven't used one in approximately 4 months, even though night after night I have the urge to. My father found my first two, and this current one I stole from one of my little brothers' sharpeners in their school supply box (how sick is that?) I wish I could get rid of it, but I feel safer having it there just in case I need it again. Tonight I'm having the worst urge to use it.
Over the last three months I have begun to feel more and more distant from everything around me. I don't have any strong connections to the people around me, I have lost any sense of support from my one confidant, my once-best friend hasn't talked to me in 9 months, and I am gradually losing my mind.
Since that thread, my anxiety issues have become more and more apparent. Over the summer, I was supposed to go to 2 camps. The first I went to, but broke down on the second night because of the claustrophobia and social anxiety of the situation (even though I had done that camp two years before.) The second camp, however, was a disaster. After driving nearly 4 hours to it, I had an absolute meltdown resulting in my father being absolutely pissed and grounding me, a camp counselor trying to convince me to stay, and embarrassing myself in front of other campers. I avoided my parents for the entire week after returning home. I just felt so anxious about being there for some reason. I couldn't stand to meet anybody. I couldn't face anybody or interact with anybody or get along with anybody for that week, so I finally gave in. It was horrible, and my father later came to me and suggested again that I go to a psychologist (which, yet again, I doubt he even has a list of available psyches, nor would push me to go; and also, yet again, I highly doubt it would work for me.)
Besides that incident, this school year so far has been a nightmare. Besides the people I know from my hometown (I am now attending a special collegiate school) I know next to nobody. I am constantly worrying about my appearance, especially my weight, my clothes, and my face. I rarely make eye contact without being embarrassed and I avoid being around people I don't know at all costs. On Wednesday I even stayed home because I didn't want to face people that day.
It's hard for me to sleep. I try, and some nights lay there for hours before being successful at falling asleep. When I do, it's either dreamless or unfulfilling. I can't sit still, experience heavy withdrawal without caffeine, and generally wake up feeling like crap. Most days, it is just awful to get out of bed. I no longer have a reason to, and wish I could run away from my life. I don't want to go to school but I also don't want to let my parents down (so far, all of my older siblings have gone sour. They are depending on me, and have said it many times.) I don't have any feeling at all in my body; not a tingling numbness, but just a lifelessness. I don't have anybody to go to and a professional would only be, in my eyes, a fake friend.
Even more so than six months ago, I am completely lost. I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here or who to go to. I'm afraid I have SAD and GAD, and as of late I have gotten increasingly paranoid. I need help but I don't want to get it.
I cannot express my feelings. Please, I am begging for suggestions...