Since I'm a new user here I'll provide you with a long-ass backstory, which means the post will probably evoke a TL;DR reaction. It's not a mandatory read, so those mentally impaired swaglets who can't even pick up a book but have no problems with smartphones can peacefully move along. :cool:

So i'm a girl in her very very late teenage years, living in a very small country in northern europe, in a very small village since I hate noise and big crowds. No social phobia here, I just find city life annoying, even in those sparsely populated cities that my country only has.

I don't remember much of my childhood, but I know that I was an night owl ever since I was a baby (though my parents didn't think I was insomniac, they just thought I'm one of those rebel kids who like being up all night; they had no idea I barely slept during the day aswell) and I was never really close to my family. I was one of those wonder kids who learnt reading, writing, math and all that stuff at a very early age, so I spent my earlier childhood years reading tons of books. I was already working on 5th grade material at the age of 4. Not that big of a deal, not a genius obviously, but it's still more than most kids. I didn't spend time with my family, we were poor so they were working all the time (mother was a freelance architect and dad a carpenter, a musician and later a luthier aswell, freelance aswell obviously, now has his own company).


So early school years were a breeze for me. Around 6th grade things started getting difficult for me and also my health started acting up (probably poor nutrition and that lifelong insomnia I've had) so school was suddenly a burden rather than something I enjoyed. There was also a period where I got bullied, but since I was also a pretty intense gym addict, I had no problem beating up all the bullies; also making everyone hate me but be afraid of me at the same time and looked down upon even outside of school, you'd be surprised how fast and far gossip spreads in this small piece of land I love so much.

Spring of 2012 was insane. In february my best friend moved to Canada, never to be heard from again, a month later my other friend moved to Finland, same thing and my grandfather died. In april, my mother killed herself and two weeks after that, the only friend I had left here killed himself aswell. Things at home went crazy, I never spoke to my dad, he was rarely home and what did I do? Gained alot of weight and got into alcohol and drugs (psychiatric drug abuse, ketamine, weed, cocaine, LSD, fenthanyl a few times but my dealer got me out of that mess really quickly; it's super addictive). I also started smoking.
I wasn't hanging out in a bad crowd, I did all that alone. The only person I consider almost my friend at the time was my dealer; a 30 year-old russian guy who quickly regretted selling me all that stuff and eventually got me out of drugs and of course - disappeared at some point. But that was due to legal problems. I know what country he's in, but I have no way of contacting him. And maybe it's for the best.


I left out alot of things, since I don't want that thing to look like a novel.

I've been to different psychiatrists, psychotherapists, psychologists and different doctors since I was 12, but I've never gotten any help. All of them have been dead sure I have some sort of mental illness, of course, everyone thought a completely different thing. I've been accused of sociopathy, ADHD, intermittent explosive disorder, asperger's, depression and I've actually been diagnosed with conduct disorder (when I was 12) and schizophrenia (which I can assure you - I do not have, it was diagnosed at a mental hospital by a fresh-out-of-medschool-psychiatrist after being fed tons of different meds, which didn't work; they we're trying to get me to be less aggressive against the other patients and get me to have at least one night of decent sleep).



So where am I now? A true example of a NEET; I've been in 10th grade for four years and I just can't seem to graduate. It's not that I don't try - graduating high school is the only goal I have, but I just don't have the mental ability anymore. Yes, I've been to night school already, I was kicked out because the only subject I had positive grades in was physics. And I can't get a job, don't even try to recommend things, I've been trying, looking and been to counselling for 4 years, I'm pretty sure there's no new information you can provide me with. I just don't have it in me.

As for relationships, I'm very popular (but at a very shallow level - people adore me for my looks, witty jokes and familiarity with pretty much everything they talk about), but noone is willing to get into a romantic relationship with me or be friends with me. Why? At some point they find out how emotionally empty I am inside and that I have no sense of empathy and they find some aspects disgusting - like the fact that I don't have any negative reactions to certain things, like rape, violence, gore, torture, drugs and so on. They don't understand that I don't find those things positive, I just find them interesting. And what kind of emotions should these things evoke? Getting stressed over things that have nothing to do with you is useless.

So basically - people find me attractive, but too cold to get close to. All that's left of my family is my dad who I have kind of a love-hate relationship with; he's just so done with me being an impulsive nolifer, my current psychiatrist ignores me (she's the one who thinks I'm sociopathic, which makes it obvious why she treats me that way) and I only have a chance to talk to her and remind her about the test which I've wanted to take for years so I could get rid of my false diagnose is when I just show up at her office and demand her to listen to me. Which once ended in me sitting a few hours at a police station, since I carry a knife (though i made it clear to the officers that it's for self defense).



These days I suffer in serious pains (in my head, chest and throat mostly), I often have to breathe manually, I can't engage in hard physical activities because I tend to pass out if I get my pulse/blood pressure/god knows what too high. I feel unable to learn new things in a level that it would be useful for me, I can't stick to anything because of my impulsiveness and I get irritated way too easily, which makes me very aggressive. During the adrenaline rush I gain inhuman physical abilities, at least for a person my size, muscle mass and health. But it always ends with a serious headache and nausea.

Is there even a chance for me to live a normal life? Ever since things started going downhill I've been feeling that life is not worth living in my case and I'm rather like a parasite, unable to contribute to the society. I joined a political party to keep my mind occupied, but I can't even do much there since I'm poor. Only debate anonymously online with dumbasses.

Yes, I've had several suicide attempts which obviously all failed, since I'm writing this novel here. And every failed attempt makes me panic even more so at this point I'm too afraid to even try anymore, hoping that all my pain is caused by a serious health issue that will eventually kill me, hopefully in the near future. I feel like being trapped.



What the damn hell should I do???

I won't be going to see any doctors in the near future. Yes, they might take my health issues more seriously now, since I'm legally considered as an adult now and I've gotten some more serious symptoms, but I also don't have health insurance anymore (the perks of being an adult without a job) and I simply cannot afford it.

I though about joining the defence league though and maybe join the army next year. Air Force was the dream but I don't have the education, I guess the air defence battalion is good enough. At least I'll learn how to shoot down planes. Fair enough. Choosing the battalion is not up to me, but I'll bring it up, they take those things into consideration. Though I'm pretty sure I won't even get in. Still, worth a try.

I go on walks on a daily basis, though it's with a 25+ kg backpack and very fast paced, but at least I spend a few hours in a day outside...? lol
I don't stop to smell the flowers, mostly because it's winter and there are no flowers, but also because I know this area like the back of my hand already. Used to play war as a kid in those forests. I still have no problem finding the locations where I had built/dug bunkers or trenches more than 10 years ago, even though they're long gone.

I've just been interested in that kind of stuff my whole life and I believe it would be an interesting experience aswell. A great way to get in shape, too. And in case of a war, it's also a great way to be useful for the homeland.

Right now I'm doing better though. I still have no idea what to do next, but I'm living for the moment. Renovating the house, crafting stuff (Team Fortress cosplay items mostly, which I'm selling successfully), drawing, painting. Preparing for the birth of my baby brother, I'm going to treat that kid as my own. I've always wanted a brother and now in my early adulthood, I'm finally getting one.

My health is getting worse though, but once the financial issues have solved it'll be okay, unless complications show up. Right now main problem is the hypothyroidism, which isn't that serious of a health issue unless it's left untreated. My heart disease has gotten worse because of it aswell, I'm supposed to take meds for both but I'm going to have to wait until next month for the money.