Hello. This will be a quite long text so bare with me.

I don't know what has happened to me. I am a completely different person than i used to be.

I used to be a quiet, nerdy, honest, sweet guy when i was younger. I didn't have my father around or any sisters or brothers so i spent most of my time behind the computer. I was very 'self centered' i'd say. I wasn't picked on, but i definitely wasn't the most popular guy. Most people described me as a weird and a shy guy. Same proceeded from first grade till end of highschool.

When i finally turned 18 (2 years ago) i used to go to clubs and party a lot and i tried to be someone that i'm not to get the attention of the people who used to make fun of me. I tried to be someone 'cool' and i did things that i now regret every day and every minute. (Don't worry, i didn't kill anyone or leave someone with permanent injury or anything like that) i just simply disrespected many people and was full of myself.

The last year i have been thinkin' about that person i used to be back then and it haunts me every single day. I know that i may have pissed people off because of my disrespect. I hate to think that i have this 'stigma' now when i enter night clubs or whatever... that people see me as somebody who is a complete dickhead.

Now, this has effected me emotionally very much. I don't have the desire to have any goals in my life. I don't have the ability to love someone. All i feel these days is depression and hatred. But i come back to the hatred part soon. I don't know what to do. It's messing with my head a lot. So much that i even see nightmares. I don't feel empathy at all anymore. I feel like a walking-dead pretty much. I feel like a human corpse walking inside a living body if that makes any sense.

Now we had some ups and downs with our financial situation in our home life. My mother got kicked out of her job and i'm basically the one who provides food for us working a shit job. (Of course i appreciate the opportunity to work and get money, but the job itself is horrible. It's cleaning job.) Now we come to the hatred part. I see my friends and many people getting spoiled every single day. They get food from mcdonalds, pizza, new clothes and they don't have to pay for any single bill themselves. I see how their parents are proud of them and how they have a stable good relationship. This makes me angry as well since i rarely even talk with my mom. Also, they get to drive their parents car and have nothing to worry about as long as they are succeeding in school. It seriously pisses me off. Many people always complain that i don't save money. Of course i'm not able to have fucking 20000 dollars in my bank account with the current situation. They don't understand the situation since they have all the time in the world to save money because they don't really have to use money for anything..... I think about those people every day and i wish i could kill them all. Kill all the spoiled brats. Of course i wouldn't do it but its just a thought. I also hate every single people from the past who used to make fun of me and right now most of them are having a life without any worries. This makes me angry as well when i think about my situation.

Now i also have this paranoia kind of thing. I feel that somebody is after me constantly or plotting to hurt me. This comes from the clubbing time when i used to disrespect people. I know certain people that i have disrespected and i have honestly no idea if they have any kind of sympathy towards people. So i don't enjoy going clubbing anymore if i don't get some kind of 'ending' to this situation. This situation is the main cause for depression, anxiety, nightmares and inability to have any kind of feelings.

I honestly don't know what to do. I have tried going to a psychiatrist without any success.

Help please.

Thanks - Nicholas.