So my Granddad passed away,
To some you reading this your probably thinking 'big deal', 'old people die' or 'death happens' but this has really affected who I am. I'll try not to ramble on but my granddad was my absolute everything, he was like another father to me and most importantly he was my bestfriend and the other half to my heart beat. He was the kindest most generous, funniest most forgiving man you'd ever meet. He has 4 other grandchildren but I was definitely the favourite. We would do everything together, he took me in when my mum would kick me out, I'd stay at his house and keep his company after my nan died and from when I was in nursery even before that he would look after me, pick me up and drop me to school every single day without fail, take me to every party, pick me and my friends up, buy me mcdonalds, give me anything I wanted... you get the idea
Since 2014 he's was battling cancer just after the death of my nan who also died of cancer. He had prostate cancer which is quite an aggressive form but it can be controlled. Back then I didn't really understand too much about the affects of cancer or how it was affecting him because he was still his bright and bubbly self. Literally me and my mum have had his back the whole journey, my aunty and cousins were there towards the end but it was mainly me and my mum.
It was until my granddad started to deteriorate that I realised I'm going to lose him. I prayed every single day for him to somehow recover but looking back seeing him not being able to walk and drive and do the little things for himself broke my heart and still to this day it hasn't healed. Last summer, summer 2016 he spent most his days in the hospital, he had a dangerous virus that attacked his immune system. Thats when I noticed he wasn't himself, he couldn't remember and he'd get confused a lot. I wish I spent more time with him I really do, but I honestly thought somehow he was going to come back home. The last day I saw my granddad was the first time I had seen him awake for a long long time. He was alert but again he wasn't himself. He could remember who I was though. I was literally chocking holding back the tears, you could see his bones on his chest, he was so skinny and his face looked so slim and drawn in. I hate to admit it but I was so glad when we leaving because I literally couldn't bare looking at him because he didn't look like himself and it was killing me. As we was leaving I was walking out with my cousin when he called me back and I remember word for word what was said. I said "yes granddad" and he squeezed my hand tight and said "granddad loves you" and it crushed me... I said "i love you too granddad" said bye and walked away but I didn't think that two days later he would've left me.
I feel like he knew he was going to die and that he wasn't going to see me again. I just wish we had more time.
Since the death of my granddad in October I haven't felt the same or been the same. I suffer from bipolar disorder already and recently I've been feeling suicidal but its complicated. I feel as if I dont want to live but I know I have so much to live for. I find myself reminiscing about my death and how I can kill myslef but I haven't actually carried it out and I don't think I will. I talk to my bestfriend about it but i dont think she really understands. She just tells me to try be positive but I dont know how. Ive also found myself being even more violent towards people than usual and I just feel demotivated at the moment. I just want to be me again, happy me. Im normally the one making people die of laughter making them smile and cheering them up and I still do that but it doesnt feel genuine . Of course it's gotten easier but I still can't help but feel lost. I feel like I'm going insane its crazy. I just want to be genuinely happy again but I feel like my granddads death has ripped out a chunk of my heart.
I just want to be able to cope and not feel on edge all the time. I want to be able to say Im happy and mean it. I know thats how he would've wanted me to be...
So can anyone help me?
To some you reading this your probably thinking 'big deal', 'old people die' or 'death happens' but this has really affected who I am. I'll try not to ramble on but my granddad was my absolute everything, he was like another father to me and most importantly he was my bestfriend and the other half to my heart beat. He was the kindest most generous, funniest most forgiving man you'd ever meet. He has 4 other grandchildren but I was definitely the favourite. We would do everything together, he took me in when my mum would kick me out, I'd stay at his house and keep his company after my nan died and from when I was in nursery even before that he would look after me, pick me up and drop me to school every single day without fail, take me to every party, pick me and my friends up, buy me mcdonalds, give me anything I wanted... you get the idea
Since 2014 he's was battling cancer just after the death of my nan who also died of cancer. He had prostate cancer which is quite an aggressive form but it can be controlled. Back then I didn't really understand too much about the affects of cancer or how it was affecting him because he was still his bright and bubbly self. Literally me and my mum have had his back the whole journey, my aunty and cousins were there towards the end but it was mainly me and my mum.
It was until my granddad started to deteriorate that I realised I'm going to lose him. I prayed every single day for him to somehow recover but looking back seeing him not being able to walk and drive and do the little things for himself broke my heart and still to this day it hasn't healed. Last summer, summer 2016 he spent most his days in the hospital, he had a dangerous virus that attacked his immune system. Thats when I noticed he wasn't himself, he couldn't remember and he'd get confused a lot. I wish I spent more time with him I really do, but I honestly thought somehow he was going to come back home. The last day I saw my granddad was the first time I had seen him awake for a long long time. He was alert but again he wasn't himself. He could remember who I was though. I was literally chocking holding back the tears, you could see his bones on his chest, he was so skinny and his face looked so slim and drawn in. I hate to admit it but I was so glad when we leaving because I literally couldn't bare looking at him because he didn't look like himself and it was killing me. As we was leaving I was walking out with my cousin when he called me back and I remember word for word what was said. I said "yes granddad" and he squeezed my hand tight and said "granddad loves you" and it crushed me... I said "i love you too granddad" said bye and walked away but I didn't think that two days later he would've left me.
I feel like he knew he was going to die and that he wasn't going to see me again. I just wish we had more time.
Since the death of my granddad in October I haven't felt the same or been the same. I suffer from bipolar disorder already and recently I've been feeling suicidal but its complicated. I feel as if I dont want to live but I know I have so much to live for. I find myself reminiscing about my death and how I can kill myslef but I haven't actually carried it out and I don't think I will. I talk to my bestfriend about it but i dont think she really understands. She just tells me to try be positive but I dont know how. Ive also found myself being even more violent towards people than usual and I just feel demotivated at the moment. I just want to be me again, happy me. Im normally the one making people die of laughter making them smile and cheering them up and I still do that but it doesnt feel genuine . Of course it's gotten easier but I still can't help but feel lost. I feel like I'm going insane its crazy. I just want to be genuinely happy again but I feel like my granddads death has ripped out a chunk of my heart.
I just want to be able to cope and not feel on edge all the time. I want to be able to say Im happy and mean it. I know thats how he would've wanted me to be...
So can anyone help me?