Parents getting divorced

    • Parents getting divorced

      Hi! Im Noah. Im the middle child of my family. My older brother(I was born the next day technically, but he is only 8 minutes older. He always conveniently forgets that) and I are twins and my younger brother is 9. Our parents are in the middle of getting divorced and my dad is no longer living with us. This is enough to already blow up our lives but they are both fighting for custody of us which just leads to a lot of fighting whenever they see each other with us usually ending up dragged in the middle of it.
      Before all of this our parents were great and life seemed ok(besides this global pandemic obviously) but now they just tell so many lies about each other and try to manipulate us to do the same so the other wont get us. Im just confused about it all now. I wonder a lot if I did something to cause all of this or the three of us did something. It just doesnt make sense otherwise.
      I guess each of us has our own way of dealing with this. My younger brother I dont think fully understands whats going on and getting slammed by both our parents lies is probably just confusing him more than I am. My twin brother started vaping when this started because it helped calm him. For a while I was doing ok with handling everything but Ive been feeling like my parents getting divorced is my fault for long enough that I needed something.
      Ive started recently using my brothers vape occasionally as well. It really does help just settle my brain down when the craziness of their divorce overwhelms me.
      I started writing this post with a purpose but now that Ive actually written it, I honestly dont know what I want out of this or what Im hoping for. Maybe Ive just wasted your time. I dont know. It's a really bizarre feeling.
    • hey if nothing else, if writing this has helped you get out your thoughts, and maybe help to understand stuff then that's a good start :)

      Honestly no idea what to say as that all sounds so confusing and tangled a situation to be in. Your parents really shouldn't be using you like pawns between them. If there was a way to calmly tell your parents that there actions are hurting you all, I would (though I know in these situations it can be hard) even if it's just a note saying its hurting you and your brother's mentally

      Hope everything can work out for you


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    • Ive been rereading my post over and over and over again. I dont feel like its helped me figure things out. I have all these feelings of guilt like I caused them to hate each other. They have always seemed to really love each other. But now its just hate. Its almost like neither one of them wants us in the end because they are both fighting so hard to make the other look horrible so neither one of them will get us. Maybe this is all just a act to get rid of us. I know we still love them both. I dont know. I need guidance because just turning to more vape probably isnt a good solution long term.

      Writing this and the last post I think has actually now helped me figure out what I want. I want normal again. Nothing is right about this and I just want to be a happy family again and have fun with my brothers
    • collin13 wrote:

      Noah - you need help with this. Don't go it alone. Do you have a relative that could help you see your doctor about this? I've been through this and know it sucks ... massively.
      We have family that lives in our state but none that are nearby. We usually only get to see them for Thanksgiving. Im not going through this completely alone. Ive got my brothers. We're all stuck in this massive pile of crap together.
      Since youve been through this Collin does it get better or at least easier? How did you get through it? Im struggling to even see a light at the end of all of this. Will they find a way to at least be civil enough with each other to share custody of us? I still love both of them and I dont think it would be fair to take one of them away from us. Obviously all of us living together as a family would be best but I guess some sort of alternating system between them might be as good as it gets at the end of this.

      kathyFL wrote:

      Also stop vaping it is really bad for you and you can catch covid more easy from doing it. Just stop that part.

      I know the vaping should probably stop but the fact that it just helps calm me while trying to deal with this makes me wait to stop. If my brother didnt have it around anymore I wouldnt do it but he does it for the same reasons as me. So I see it in our room and Im weak and need it. If it makes any difference at all, we both are at least vaccinated.
    • A terrible and confusing situation to be in. But vaping will have a negative effect on your health. Perhaps you can try to do some sports, together with your brothers? It will make the bond between you and your brothers stronger, is much better for your health and feels good and satisfying as well. It’s not always easy to start sporting but it’s rewarding, and ultimately makes body and mind stronger.

      I hope things will calm down soon and that the new situation works out in the end. Good luck!
    • spacenoah wrote:

      collin13 wrote:

      Noah - you need help with this. Don't go it alone. Do you have a relative that could help you see your doctor about this? I've been through this and know it sucks ... massively.
      We have family that lives in our state but none that are nearby. We usually only get to see them for Thanksgiving. Im not going through this completely alone. Ive got my brothers. We're all stuck in this massive pile of crap together.Since youve been through this Collin does it get better or at least easier? How did you get through it? Im struggling to even see a light at the end of all of this. Will they find a way to at least be civil enough with each other to share custody of us? I still love both of them and I dont think it would be fair to take one of them away from us. Obviously all of us living together as a family would be best but I guess some sort of alternating system between them might be as good as it gets at the end of this.

      kathyFL wrote:

      Also stop vaping it is really bad for you and you can catch covid more easy from doing it. Just stop that part.
      I know the vaping should probably stop but the fact that it just helps calm me while trying to deal with this makes me wait to stop. If my brother didnt have it around anymore I wouldnt do it but he does it for the same reasons as me. So I see it in our room and Im weak and need it. If it makes any difference at all, we both are at least vaccinated.
      Yeah it gets easier. My parents didn't fight like you are describing though. They divorced when I was 7 and I see my dad regularly and he gets along with mom fine. We don't stay with him all that often though, its just better that way I suppose. Usually we go away for a weekend here and there, but he has always been around the past 6 years and I've never seen them fight.

      As for the vaping, I'm assuming you are talking about drugs. That isn't a good thing. Like I said, you need help with this and resorting to that isn't a good thing.
    • Ive thought about telling my parents how I feel about all of this and how much they are hurting me with all the fighting but I fear they would just think Im just picking one side in their stupid fight when really Im not picking any. If they have to have this stupid divorce then just have it and be done. Dont hurt us in the process. Just work out some alternating system like staying 2 weeks with dad and then 2 weeks with mom or something fair. Im sick of this.
      I do hear what you all are saying about vaping and I know we shouldnt do it. As suggested maybe we could find a sport or just something to burn off steam from all of this. Ive noticed weve been arguing/fighting among ourselves(more than usual at least). Not so much Ollie fighting with us(I guess because hes younger) but hes been on the receiving end of a lot from me and Luke, and me and Luke have had some heated exchanges recently which is unusual for us. Maybe once school starts again it wont be so bad since we will be out of the house more and maybe I could seek guidance from someone there.
    • Don't know when your school starts, But the guidance counselors start a week or so before the teachers. The principal is there now, (probably the asst principal(s), and some of the sports coaches) .

      You and/or Luke should call the school, and tell the school secretary you need to talk to someone, The principal, or Guidance, tell them its real important, and need to talk to them today or tomorrow. They WILL make time for you to see them.
    • Alex_Swim wrote:

      Don't know when your school starts, But the guidance counselors start a week or so before the teachers. The principal is there now, (probably the asst principal(s), and some of the sports coaches) .

      You and/or Luke should call the school, and tell the school secretary you need to talk to someone, The principal, or Guidance, tell them its real important, and need to talk to them today or tomorrow. They WILL make time for you to see them.
      We dont start school for another week and its also a private school so I dont know how that would fit in with what you said. This may be a really stupid question to ask or be worried about in this situation but wouldnt calling our school to ask for help look like Im trying to get our parents in trouble, at least thats how our parents would see it? I dont want our parents to think that and I dont want the people at school to think they are horrible parents and report them or something. This is a really super hard extremely crappy situation but we still love our parents a lot. I guess we just need some way to vent or something so me and my brothers dont keep turning on each other at least.

      ScottFremont wrote:

      Vaping is like smoking, right? OMG, dude, please stop. Putting that crap in your lungs can lead to nothing but problems.
      Vaping is like smoking but we kind of saw it as a "cleaner" alternative...sort of and it doesnt leave a smell like smoking does so our parents or especially Ollie dont know about it. Im sure its bad for us but smoking actual cigarettes has to be a lot worse
    • I thought about just not posting anymore. Its a subject that clearly not very many can help with but I'll post anyways distract myself for a few minutes at least and maybe somebody will be able to tell me that they know it will get better for us soon.

      Tensions are high in our house right now. Not so much between me and Luke and Ollie because weve tried to talk more about how we are feeling so we would stop getting mad at each other, but between us and our mom really.
      I thought it would be a good idea to write an email and send it to both my parents so they would see I wasnt picking a side. I told them that their fighting and trying to manipulate us is just hurting us and we need help. We need a counselor or doctor or someone we can talk with about how we are dealing with all of this. Our dad seemed to genuinely care about what I said because hes now trying to find us someone to talk to but our mom just thought dad made me write it to make her look bad. The fight I had with her after she read that email made me lose a lot of respect for her. The hole I put in our bedroom wall afterwards also made me realize just how much built up rage and anger I have. At this point I might surprisingly be close to choosing to only live with my dad. He still seems to care at least when I come to him with a serious problem
    • Well I read the whole thing and at the end of it it seems like you have some clarity now on who you would want to live with. I know it sounds terrible because they both are your parents and it hurts to pick a side but at the same time there's nothing wrong with doing so if you have been forced to.
      Also I think I read that you think maybe you did something to cause all of this and that maybe both of your parents want to get rid of you guys. I don't know your situation but one thing I can say for certain is that both of those things CANNOT be true. You at 13 are not even remotely responsible for what is going on. Besides your parents are fighting for custody because they both love you guys and want you to live with them.
      One positive thing about your situation is that you atleast have 2 brothers to deal with this situation together. I am sure getting professional help to talk to will make things better for you guys. Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk.
      Take care and keep your head high! Remember... When you sail through the rough waves, that's when you earn the right to enjoy the calm waters that lie ahead.
    • spacenoah wrote:

      I thought about just not posting anymore. Its a subject that clearly not very many can help with but I'll post anyways distract myself for a few minutes at least and maybe somebody will be able to tell me that they know it will get better for us soon.

      Tensions are high in our house right now. Not so much between me and Luke and Ollie because weve tried to talk more about how we are feeling so we would stop getting mad at each other, but between us and our mom really.
      I thought it would be a good idea to write an email and send it to both my parents so they would see I wasnt picking a side. I told them that their fighting and trying to manipulate us is just hurting us and we need help. We need a counselor or doctor or someone we can talk with about how we are dealing with all of this. Our dad seemed to genuinely care about what I said because hes now trying to find us someone to talk to but our mom just thought dad made me write it to make her look bad. The fight I had with her after she read that email made me lose a lot of respect for her. The hole I put in our bedroom wall afterwards also made me realize just how much built up rage and anger I have. At this point I might surprisingly be close to choosing to only live with my dad. He still seems to care at least when I come to him with a serious problem
      It is ok to choose sides. The important thing is you choose YOUR side. Not thier side. If writing helps then write. It will get better eventually. The main thing now in choosing YOUR side is you can also advocate for your brothers like you have been here. You are doing good already because you are seeking help. It is such a confusing time I cant imagine. You have to do what is best for you and just because they are doing stupid stuff you dont have to..

      Write anytime here because it collects your thoughts into words and it also gives you perspective. Sorry if I was harsh on Vaping but it really is bad for you.
    • spacenoah wrote:

      Ive thought about telling my parents how I feel about all of this and how much they are hurting me with all the fighting but I fear they would just think Im just picking one side in their stupid fight when really Im not picking any. If they have to have this stupid divorce then just have it and be done. Dont hurt us in the process. Just work out some alternating system like staying 2 weeks with dad and then 2 weeks with mom or something fair. Im sick of this.
      I do hear what you all are saying about vaping and I know we shouldnt do it. As suggested maybe we could find a sport or just something to burn off steam from all of this. Ive noticed weve been arguing/fighting among ourselves(more than usual at least). Not so much Ollie fighting with us(I guess because hes younger) but hes been on the receiving end of a lot from me and Luke, and me and Luke have had some heated exchanges recently which is unusual for us. Maybe once school starts again it wont be so bad since we will be out of the house more and maybe I could seek guidance from someone there.
      You should tell your parents exactly everything you told us here
      And that they are selfish to fight for custody because you and your bros love them just as much
      And that just because they cant get along together any more, that doesn't mean you and your bros should see and live with one parent less than the other, and in the end you are the ones paying for it

      You should really tell them all that you're feeling because parents dont realize how much divorce and custody battle hurt their children. They want their children just for them and they dont realize children need the other parent just as much
    • Being able to post here and collect my thoughts and get feedback does help. Being back at school and away from all the stupid crap between our parents has actually been a godsend. I guess @collin13 was right that there is a lot of rage inside of me that I dont think I realized I was keeping there until I finally lost it with my mom and punched a hole in our bedroom wall. Being back at school and having gym class again has helped burn some of that off I think.

      Starlord wrote:

      You should tell your parents exactly everything you told us hereAnd that they are selfish to fight for custody because you and your bros love them just as much
      And that just because they cant get along together any more, that doesn't mean you and your bros should see and live with one parent less than the other, and in the end you are the ones paying for it

      You should really tell them all that you're feeling because parents dont realize how much divorce and custody battle hurt their children. They want their children just for them and they dont realize children need the other parent just as much
      That was sort of the point of the email I sent to both our parents. I wanted them both to know that they were hurting us with their constant fighting and trying to manipulate us to say bad things about the other one. Our dad actually took me seriously and is finding someone for us to talk to but now our mom is saying she wont let us go see anyone even if he does find someone. None of this makes sense anymore. I wanted to live with both of them but now it just seems like she is trying to push us away and choose to live with him. I feel bad for saying it but I wish this decision would just happen already so it would all be over. My brothers and I may be able to talk with each other to prevent some fighting between us but it still happens way more than it used to and I dont want us to start fighting like our parents. We are to close to each other to let it happen.

      kathyFL wrote:

      Sorry if I was harsh on Vaping but it really is bad for you.
      Thats ok. I know vaping wasnt a smart decision. I should have stepped up and stopped Luke from doing it when he started but then I started and this is a hard situation for both of us with our parents and it helped make things a little easier. I know we should stop though. Its just easier said than done
    • spacenoah wrote:

      That was sort of the point of the email I sent to both our parents. I wanted them both to know that they were hurting us with their constant fighting and trying to manipulate us to say bad things about the other one. Our dad actually took me seriously and is finding someone for us to talk to but now our mom is saying she wont let us go see anyone even if he does find someone
      Then your dad shouldn't ask for her opinion and take you see one anyway. If it is better for you, you should do just that