So I slowly over the course of about a year fell in love with a girl who only sees me as a friend. Like brother level. My 18th birthday party was the day I realised I was in love with this girl when she was venting to me about her problems while we were both on a massive amount of cocaine (her first time). We wondered around my dad grandparents plot of land speaking for a good hour and a half about all kinds of very personal things. But then later that night I did a lot of ketamine and she didn't along with 2 of my older mates who I didnt meet up with much in recent history but they were there for my birthday party. One of them ended up taking my best friends virginity on the second day of the party and it still makes me feel awful just thinking about it. But no form of relationship came from it just a one night stand. Then I went to rehab for crack addiction at the beginning of the summer while she went and made out with every guy in fuengirola Spain where we go to party while on ridiculous amounts of cocaine which she only tried because of me. Then after I got clean from coke and crack throughout the summer we went back to school (I took a year off) and I ended up writing her a love poem (which I have attatched below) because she had been saying how much she desperately wanted a boyfriend and even had a checklist of things she wanted, most of which I checked out with, but she didnt feel the same or at least couldnt be with me because of something bad that happened to her not long after my birthday . I went out to a nightclub with her and a few other friends on halloween where she made out with my ex best friend who now hates me and I hate. Since then we've grown very close. I am defnitely her favourite guy in her life and we get on and think so similarly in ways I can't really explain and though she does say she loves me with all of her soul as a friend to the point where we say "love you" casually when we're saying goodbye she doesnt see me as an option at all. After what happened to her she cant even hug anyone except her girl best friend but for some reason when it was just me her and my guy best friend she slept in the same bed as me even though there was a spare bed and has done since that day many times but never initiates anything while we're in bed so I dont know whats going on. I'm so happy that she feels this comfortable around me but I just wish I could show her all the poems I've written about her and how I feel but dont know if I should for the sake of the friendship because a short while after I told her I liked her I told her Id gotten over her so everything could go back to normal, we could still be friends and it wouldnt be awkward. But now I wish I hadnt because I do still love her more than ever and don't know what to do.