I want to kill myself

    • I want to kill myself

      I literally have no real friends not at school or at sports. I have bad grades because I just can’t focus my mom admits I have adhd but refuses to put me on medication which I need. I like a boy a lot but my “ best friend” says he’ll never like me. She always comments on how I’m flat and how I have a slightly big fore head which’s makes me really insecure. My friend at volleyball say I’m not good enough and that I don’t try even though I go to practice every day for hours and I’ve play 57 set and she’s played 27 sets. I think about if I got married who would be my bridesmaids? I have no real friends.no one knows that it think about taking my eyebrow razor and cutting my wrist open in the bathroom, or that when I shave my arms I think “ I should press harder and maybe I could finally be done.” But I’m so bad at everything that I can’t even kill myself. My parents say I can always talk to them but when I try they say that I’m “ their happy girl who just feels sad right now” they don’t believe me. I go to a school where the counselor tells everything you say to your parents. I genuinely want to sit down with my coach and explain this because she’s the only adult I’m remotely close to but it would still be weird because we aren’t that close. I’m scared one day I’ll snap and I’ll just do it. I pray to God every night begging for it to get better. I know his timing is perfect but if it doesn’t happen soon I’ll probably just do it. I need advice there’s only 30 days left of 8th grade. What if my coach looks at me like a freak? I don’t know what to do and I’m so scared.

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      I’m ok rn, I can’t talk to my school counselor bc I go to a private religious school so the “counselor” goes to your parents and tells them what you say. I have a tournament early tomorrow so I might pull my coach aside but probably not. I have good news to! At school I made a new friend Katie ( not her real name) she has similar feelings to me so we’re getting along super well. Also at volleyball the rest of my team has reached out and told me that my “ friend” treats them similarly. So things r looking up I’ll update if I talk w my coach but I don’t think I will since things r going good rn. Also the guy I like called me pretty!!!!

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      In two weeks some things seem to have improved for you. When you have suicidal thoughts, when you're in emotional distress, people often feel panic-stricken and seek help urgently and at all costs. If you don't want your parents to know, is it because you don't get on well with them, because they don't understand you, or because of a cruel lack of communication? You know, even if you're feeling better, that distress can come back. If you really don't want to talk about it with your parents or your counselor, you could follow the advice of collin 13. It might feel good to talk about it. 988lifeline.org/chat/ I'll just add that this topic may be useful to those who suffer from depression, leading to suicidal thoughts.