i did something bad

    • i did something bad

      I cut myself for the first time today, i had the urge to do it before and now i feel extremely guilty.

      The reason i did it is because it was my dads birthday yesterday and I forgot. I feel like a bad person no I know im a bad person so i cried and cut myself because i felt like i deserved it because how can such a good man be cursed with such a terrible daughter

      He passed when i was 12 and i rarely talked to him, and i rarely called and texted or anything i was so bad. He rarely call me either but he was always busy with work

      Ever since i’ve lived in guilt everyday for the past 3 years and i really dont think i’ll ever get over it. I try to ignore it and not think about it but the feeling never goes away

      One day a year later he passed i told my sister everything I felt and all she said was “well i comfort myself by knowing i was a good daughter” and wow that felt like i just got stabbed in the heart

      They were really close and i was extremely jealous of their relationship. When i visited my dads side of the family they all told her if you ever need someone we’re here. But what about me? No one seemed to care how i felt cause they all probably thought i didnt care but i did care i cared so much

      The day before the fourth of july in 2023 i couldnt stop thinking. I couldnt stop crying so i wrote two papers of everything i felt and how much i hated myself. My sister found the note and just said that i needed therapy in a very snarky way.

      Anyway now my mom caught my crying today and comforted me by saying that he loves me and he’ll always be in my heart. I don’t have to heart to tell her that the reason i was crying was because i forgot his birthday and seriously think im a terrible person. I feel bad for cutting but i deserve it. I feel guilty for hurting myself though because i cant help to think what my mom would say if she found out.

      I want to do it again because i just feel so shitty and i think the guilt will slowly go away if i continue hurting myself. Idk i feel so alone all my family was close to my dad and i have nobody to relate to with me on this. Thank you if you read this

    • It sounds like you're feeling guilty about something else concerning your father. At least that's how I feel, but I could be wrong. You seem to feel a great emptiness since your father died, you feel rejected which leads you to want to do this to yourself. Forgetting his birthday doesn't make you a horrible person. I think your mind is caught up in grief and that's made you deeply depressed and self-loathing. I think you need to talk about it, perhaps with a specialist if you feel more comfortable with the idea, or why not to your mother. You can also talk about it here, it might do you some good, who knows, or here too: 988lifeline.org/

      You punish yourself by cutting yourself. When you're feeling down, when you're feeling hopeless, you don't care about life anymore. And when you feel better, you see things differently. That's what's dangerous about depression: wanting to take action when you're at rock bottom and you tell yourself there's no way out, and since you don't want to suffer any more, the only solution you can think of is to end it all. It's tragic that you've come to the point where you no longer want to live. You're not alone, many like you are suffering.

      You don't have to stay trapped in dark thoughts, even if it's very difficult to get out of it. Talking about it can make you feel better. Try talking to your mother, she can be very supportive too. I think your father's death has devastated you and is the reason why you feel depressed. There are people who love you, who care about you. Don't doubt that.