Might as well throw myself into this whole thing...

Bit of background first, seeing as nobody knows me here. I'm 15, nearly 16. I stopped going to school when I was 13, due to friendship problems, bullying and a bunch of other stuff that is way too long and complicated to say here. Basically, ever since I've been around 10 years old, I've been having mood problems, depression problems and... y'know, a load of stuff like that. Oh, and seuxality issues I guess.

Anyway. Stuff got on top of me at school and I started missing days, then eventually I stopped going altogether. Instead, I slept all day and spent all night on the computer, never went out and lost any friends I had. My parents got taken to court over me not going to school and they had to pay a fine. I got forced to be home-schooled. But this was about a year later.

Eventually, after around two years, I was made to go to a youth centre twice a week for education purposes. I'm still doing that for my GCSE's, despite the fact that I miss most weeks and have probably only ever gotten several months of it in.

Then we arrive to now. In between and during all of that, my nan got Alzheimers, my dad got cancer and my parents split up. My mum got a new guy who lives with the woman he was dating before he met my mum and he has commitment issues and keeps on splitting up with my mum and.. all that rubbish. That's pretty screwed up for her, so she's depressed. My dad's depressed because he feels old, he's suicidal and just won't stop wallowing in self-pity. My other gran is depressed, clingy and an emotional basket case.

And there's me... Me me me. The fifteen year old teenager. I've been on my own with no friends for 3 years, I hardly go out, I've tried to kill myself three times in the past several years, I've spent all my life trying to stop these thoughts I get, my moods are up and down like a yo yo and it's been pretty bad. Like everyone, I get my okay days but I can't control my moods at all. I could be alright, then just like that, I'm in the bad place. Nothing really triggers it, sometimes, but it's mostly all the time. All over the place.

For me, there's no point to life. I'm not really saying I want to kill myself. I'm just saying that... I don't enjoy life at all, I feel so alone all the time, it feels like I'm worn out with life and I'm 60 years old, not 15. We just live and then we die. Then the people we knew die too and any memory of us are gone. I don't want to live a life where I'm always struggling to stay alive, where I'm fighting to be happy all the time. I didn't ask to be here.

People keep responding to my question of "Why?" with "Why not?" True, I could just shut up, grit my teeth and make the most of what I've got. I could give myself a point in life, make something for myself and fulfil my dreams and aspirations. But what's the point when, all it takes, is a bad mood and my whole world comes crashing down? Everything I've worked for, everything I've built up, just fails.

But in the end... I'm just another teenager trying to survive in the world. How unspecial I feel.