Been looking around on these forums for a while but never posted anything meaningful, here goes..

I'm 16 and I'm in highschool atm and after a while this is what I've come to believe. But the thing is see.. *long story inc*

Ok so heres how it is. Right so there's this girl I like that goes to my school, sure sure average typical highschool crush. But I've known her since we were kids, kindergarden, it was about year 6 I started liking her, hormones kicking in, but we were somewhat close too, maybe she grew on me.

Anyway highschool came, she went to an all girls school I went to an all boys highschool sorta. Whats good about my school is 7-10 its all boys, 11-12 Co-ed. I hadn't seen her in like 3 years, and one day I hear she's coming to my school for year 11 and 12!? Damn, you have no idea how happy I was, maybe you do. So anyway, year 10 formal was conveniently coming up, thing is was, it was my best mate who I had stuck with my whole life since we were 6 years old who had met her with some friends. Ok the next part I'm going to tell you is going to make me look like a dick, no wait I am, and I still regret it to this day and I tell him now and then sorry for that, and any time I'm eveel to him, he really is the nicest guy I know, he'll never do anything bad to you, will always share his stuff and cares about what you have to say.

Still, I'm an arse. But well I guess crushes/hormones.. (love? probably not) make you do crazy things. Well, formal was coming up, my mate ended up texting her to come with him. Thing is about my friend, he's very shy, and at the time lets say he had some personal issues but I won't delve into it. Step into my shoes for a moment, this girl I had a crush on as we were kids that I had never reallly got over was coming to my school, perfect oppurtunity!! So anyway, days went past, and I ended up asking my friend if I could ask her myself (not in an unsensitive way of course) he said yeah of course and I even asked if he really was okay with it and he said yes, but I think deep down he musta been hurting, specially after what happened.

So it had been a few days, so I finally called her, man was it good to hear her voice, we were both ecstatic over this single bit of communication we had in years, the next few minutes, no the whole weekend were some of the happiest days of my life. I asked her and she said yes!! Damn I was so happy. But.. you know where that leaves my friend. Anyway its been 6 months and I guess we're both cool as ever like always.

In short formal was... mediocre, only because I had been so nervous, agh some of the things I did. Jeez. Didn't get to see much of her in the holidays because I had went overseas. Anyway I'll briefly tell you how it is now, to my regret, she's not in any of my classes now, she use to be in my Chemistry, fun times I don't get to see her much now, I only get to see her during the morning and afternoon bus rides, even then not always, shes so pro-active shes a house captain and has a lead part in the musical. Thats what I love about her, her love for life and how shes full of joy. Anyway, a distance has sort of been created between us, we only really have a few moments of small talk, sometimes a other random funny convos but yeah it made me melancholic for a while but not as much now. Still , my feelings haven't gone away for her.

And its so hard to tell with the things girls do, I remember in chemistry we were both trying to see who can write best with their left hand, she wrote "I *heart* < my name >" I sort of stared at it for a few seconds, and laughed it off and proceeded to write other various HIGH-larious comments, har-har. Then you got your other typical playful things, writing on me, teasing, you get the idea. I'm pretty sure she knows I like her by now, I haven't said anything but I've been too blatant about it, giving a present to her on her birthday, I managed to pick out her favourite colour funnily enough on a whim (she wasn't just flattering me, she's got a whole theme of purple going on) , it was a phone accessory that I made with her name on it.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing this story, its a big wall o' text, but in the end I just wanted to get across that I don't really wanna ask her out or anything within the next two years, I actually want to wait till the end of school, if I'm not over her by then, then I know I HAVE to do something, at least tell her so its not in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. The other reason is because.. I wouldn't wanna wreck anything potential, but in the end maybe its all hormones. Hmm..

So uh anyway bit of an update. Her opening night for the musical was last night, and I didn't even tell her goodluck! Its these little things that bug me, also another thing related to that, I never seem to say what I want to say, or act normal, I'm not necessarily very nervous around her, but I'm not necessarily as confident as I am with say my friends for e.g.

Its annoying because she doesn't see the side of me I want her to see, I have plenty of girl - friends who I act as I would with my guy friends, but with her, damn I just can't get in that right state of mind. I don't wanna seem like some bland boring guy, which half the time I do come off as to her when I talk to her, ahhhh..

Anyway I still wanna stick to telling her sometime next year towards midway of the year at least, or if circumstances change could be the end of this year, see'ing her everyday and even only talking to her for a minutes makes my day and keeps me going. A cheery smile with a hello from her even makes me happy like I've got an A in a test or something.

Anyway I guess what I'm mainly trying to say is, I can never get myself the way I want to be when I'm with her, I don't get all nervous and stumble over my words or something like that, its just ... not me sometimes.

You seem to take the ladder theory to heart Cynic Hence the name?

I think I've went to far already, just alot of things, think she already knows, but I let off for a while.