I'm sorry if it's long. I just needed to rent and get my feelings out since I'm holding them in a lot lately. Feel free to read. If you do then you are my hero.
I have depression, anxeity, panic attacks and agorphobia. Most people claim that I don't have these problems because I never really show it. I guess I'm good at wearing a mask on my face so no one worries about me. I'm going to start from the beginning when all of this started and work my way up up to the present.
My mom and dad were married for twenty-three years. Long, I know. The relationship was a okay one. It could and should have been better but we weren't complaining. My mom and dad split up plenty of times and seemed to be able to work things out. I guess they were good for that. But down the road things turned for the worse. My dad would come home late or he wouldn't come home at all. One night he came home extremely late. And a few days before this I found a cell phone in my mom's car, which my dad drives it but it wasn't one of ours. So I told my mom and she knew that my father was doing something that he shouldn't be doing. So that night when he came home late my mom found a pager. And she got upset and he went to the bathroom and it went off. My dad flat out told my mom, brother and me that for two years he was cheating. Big shocker, not really. My life crumbled right there. I never really hung out with my father. My brother did most of the time. But I wasn't complaining. I had other things to do. After a few weeks my dad would stop by and try to talk to us kids. But we didn't want nothing to do with him. And he didn't want nothing to do with us. When my mom and dad went to court he said he didn't want to see us and I was okay with that. But what really got to me was the part where my father claimed to never loved me nor cared about me. And he signed his parent rights away and gave my brother the paper to read. So I held that statement in my heart and head for five years and I broke. My mom thought it would be best to call my father to allow me to talk to him about the statement he said. And he denied saying it when I know he did. This was a few weeks ago. I haven't spoked to him. Mainly because he went searching for my myspace and bashed my brother and me. He said it was my mom's fault that my brother was gay and I was bi. And that my piecrings look sick and ugly. I refuse to talk to him. Ever.
Here is the big thing bothering me. It is keeping me up all night. I don't want to eat nor sleep. I need someone to please understand this and not to bash me. I love someone in Australia. Yeah, you problaby won't agree but whatever. I feel like we are falling apart. I told him that if he cuts then I would. I know it was completey unfair to say and he told me that he couldn't handle that and that we problaby shouldn't talk. I don't know what to do. I can't lose him. For some reason the only reason why I am alive is because of him. Nowadays I don't feel like living. I tried to kill myself all the time. And on the outside I'm the completely nice, happy girl. I know he loves me and wouldn't leave me. But I can't seem to understand why I am so scared to lose him. I have trust problems with people. I don't get close to people and if I do then you are very lucky. Sometimes I just want people to understand that I'm not fucking perfect and I problaby won't. I screw up. I make mistakes and regret them. But who doesn't. I'm human. I will problaby let you down once. But won't do it again. I can't help everyone with their problems anymore. I just need to focus on myself. I need that for the first time in my life. Things are so hard. I mean not just for me but everyone. Sometimes I know people would miss me. But it's like I'm the one in pain. So I'm hurting myself by staying here. I haven't cut in 51 days. And it's hard, like very hard. You have no clue how bad I wanted to pick that blade up and slice. But I stopped for Ty, the guy I love in Australia. And to prove that you can really stop. And right now I'm going to continue not to cut. Because he means way more to me than that blade. I just want people to see through me and to know I'm a person too. I don't want acception. I don't care if you like me or not. Because I don't live for you. But try to understand that I bleed the same way you do. I do have feelings even if I don't show them. I just want to be understood.
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I have depression, anxeity, panic attacks and agorphobia. Most people claim that I don't have these problems because I never really show it. I guess I'm good at wearing a mask on my face so no one worries about me. I'm going to start from the beginning when all of this started and work my way up up to the present.
My mom and dad were married for twenty-three years. Long, I know. The relationship was a okay one. It could and should have been better but we weren't complaining. My mom and dad split up plenty of times and seemed to be able to work things out. I guess they were good for that. But down the road things turned for the worse. My dad would come home late or he wouldn't come home at all. One night he came home extremely late. And a few days before this I found a cell phone in my mom's car, which my dad drives it but it wasn't one of ours. So I told my mom and she knew that my father was doing something that he shouldn't be doing. So that night when he came home late my mom found a pager. And she got upset and he went to the bathroom and it went off. My dad flat out told my mom, brother and me that for two years he was cheating. Big shocker, not really. My life crumbled right there. I never really hung out with my father. My brother did most of the time. But I wasn't complaining. I had other things to do. After a few weeks my dad would stop by and try to talk to us kids. But we didn't want nothing to do with him. And he didn't want nothing to do with us. When my mom and dad went to court he said he didn't want to see us and I was okay with that. But what really got to me was the part where my father claimed to never loved me nor cared about me. And he signed his parent rights away and gave my brother the paper to read. So I held that statement in my heart and head for five years and I broke. My mom thought it would be best to call my father to allow me to talk to him about the statement he said. And he denied saying it when I know he did. This was a few weeks ago. I haven't spoked to him. Mainly because he went searching for my myspace and bashed my brother and me. He said it was my mom's fault that my brother was gay and I was bi. And that my piecrings look sick and ugly. I refuse to talk to him. Ever.
Here is the big thing bothering me. It is keeping me up all night. I don't want to eat nor sleep. I need someone to please understand this and not to bash me. I love someone in Australia. Yeah, you problaby won't agree but whatever. I feel like we are falling apart. I told him that if he cuts then I would. I know it was completey unfair to say and he told me that he couldn't handle that and that we problaby shouldn't talk. I don't know what to do. I can't lose him. For some reason the only reason why I am alive is because of him. Nowadays I don't feel like living. I tried to kill myself all the time. And on the outside I'm the completely nice, happy girl. I know he loves me and wouldn't leave me. But I can't seem to understand why I am so scared to lose him. I have trust problems with people. I don't get close to people and if I do then you are very lucky. Sometimes I just want people to understand that I'm not fucking perfect and I problaby won't. I screw up. I make mistakes and regret them. But who doesn't. I'm human. I will problaby let you down once. But won't do it again. I can't help everyone with their problems anymore. I just need to focus on myself. I need that for the first time in my life. Things are so hard. I mean not just for me but everyone. Sometimes I know people would miss me. But it's like I'm the one in pain. So I'm hurting myself by staying here. I haven't cut in 51 days. And it's hard, like very hard. You have no clue how bad I wanted to pick that blade up and slice. But I stopped for Ty, the guy I love in Australia. And to prove that you can really stop. And right now I'm going to continue not to cut. Because he means way more to me than that blade. I just want people to see through me and to know I'm a person too. I don't want acception. I don't care if you like me or not. Because I don't live for you. But try to understand that I bleed the same way you do. I do have feelings even if I don't show them. I just want to be understood.
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you always