Okay this is seriously bugging me for some time now. I'm a closeted gay guy.

I've had this friend for as long as I can remember, and only recently(maybe within this year?) I told him that I was gay(I was also delusion about it a few years back but eventually learned to accept it). He would be the first person I've told, ever.

During Summer I was always willing to pass by his house just to hang out. He didn't mind the fact I was gay, or that I would be all close to him, or so(He's straight by the way). And I knew it was would be a bad idea to get close to straight people or so, but I couldn't help it(I really wanted to let him know everything, and wanted to be close, you know the feeling right??).

Now he's back to high school while I'm going to college(he's only 2 years younger). Anyways now he's back to talking to his school friends, and talking to other girls, and it kinda hurts to see him talk to girls(texting etc). He's talked to me less and less so he only IM's me during weekends now. So now I'm starting to feel like I was just abandoned and I've no one else to turn to. I knew it was bad to tell him that I was gay. While I do love him alot, I really want to just stop thinking about him. Every night I wonder what he could doing, but I don't want to bother calling him and such(I feel like I would waste his time). Makes me wish I was dead sometimes, but I'm not into the suicide stuff.

Another sad fact is that I'm very religious(my friend is also from church), and that I really do think being gay is bad, and I feel like my path is very restricted. But I don't know. I think I just want to be able to talk to someone who could be going through similar problems..so that's why I'm here.. ^_^.

Well it's not exactly "bad" advice. =P. I'm just hoping to relate to others and maybe find ppl to talk to as well here..or so. I just like reading the different stories on this forum. Helps me cope kind of.

Ah..thank you for that. Every info I receive helps me somehow ^_^;.

I always knew others would face similar problems, I'm kind of hoping to meet them and hear their story or so.

Ugh I have more to add, bear with me ^_^;.

I'm just sitting here on the computer, looking at my AIM window, just seeing his screen name online.. lol. I'm still mixed with emotion ;_;.

I've made so many blogs and junk about ending the friendship because it just feels too hard to me. But I really don't want to IM him..Almost every time I IM him it's something emo, about how he stopped caring and junk, yet I don't think it really came through to him because I know he's the type to forget this kind of stuff X_X. Agh! I'm gonna try to just lay down and rest now..I need some time away from the computer.. But even then...:( .

But anywho..
It sucks because I see him every weekend for a little bit(due to church), and lately he's just been ignoring me, but he'll still IM me for that weekend and I'll be confused as to why he would just talk to me online all of a sudden when he didn't even bother to say hi or bye in person..I really do feel like I'm going crazy over this though, even though I think I shouldn't. Life just isn't the same anymore, it's hard to focus sometimes. This is what happens when you let your emotions control your mind X_x. Hopefully I'll cope..or something..blah.

Hmm yeah. Unfortunately now a days I have to IM him first if I want to get the conversation going(or started). Well I mean last year he usually I.M.ed me when he got home from school. But over time I guess my emotions started to pick up over the summer, which is really bad. I don't know. I've talked to him yesterday about it, trying to settling some things out, but even then I myself feel a bit incomplete. I'll hopefully continue it on the weekend. Or later today.

Here's a neat little update(I like to make story-like posts, so bear with me =D)

So I get ready for church tonight(well visiting, to see my friend, I'm attending tomorrow). I let him know I was coming, and I began writing a note so I could just give it to him if I could not talk to him. Honestly now while I just want to be able to stay connected with him somehow, I can't help but think about him, so bleh =P.

Anyways so I make this little page note(my writing is so bad) about how he stopped caring and junk(in a non-threatening way of course), and I wrote quite a bit, but after I finished, I kinda thought about if he would really read all this and comprehend it.I think it was because I talked too much about my own emotions he probably isn't getting a good idea of why I seem so emo. So I kinda just put away the paper and just wrote a simple sentence on another sheet.

Ironically that night when he was leaving, I followed him out, and we had another friend with us(he was kinda annoying, but same time he was lonely cause he's having usual drama with the other teenagers at the church, go figure huh?).
So we are just there, my close friend was in his car while the me and the..uh lonely friend was outside, we just talked randomly to keep a conversation going( I wanted the other friend to leave, but whatever), and when we say goodbye to my close friend, I kinda give him a handshake goodbye(he was lower since he was in his civic, so it was a kinda girly handshake lol) and I slid the note from my hand onto his. He drives away with note in hand while I casually back away with my other friend.

The note read "I miss you".

Of course he txted me and said that he thinks he IS changing(not orientation or anything =P), according to something I've mentioned from earlier times..but that's more personal.


Anywho..See you guys later =)

Ugh.. So I set up a time we could hang out when he dropped off his sisters to church. I I.M.ed him a few times today to confirm if he wanted to, but no reply. I call and text him hours later(cause I thought maybe calling after seemed a bit too annoying or needy whatever), no reply for a while. Soon he txtes me back saying he was driving. He was already at church while I was at home waiting(I was actually playing a few video games cause I had the assumption he wasn't going).He didn't reply to my I.M.'s because he wasn't on the computer. Just ate, knocked out..you know. Kinda ruined it for me. lol..but now I'm just going through a spiral again. =_=;