Brace yourself...


14: So, like many of us here at TH, shit happened to me. And it still continues to happen. And most of us are probably facing the same question of "Who to turn to?" Why, when our real life problems have become so bad that we seek online help from people we do not know? Do not get me wrong, this place is great so far and I look forward to being here for a long time, but shouldn't the people we know in real life already be there for us? I guess what seems so close is truly so far away...

I hope I finally found a place to pour my problem into. Many of you may agree that it's so hard to find that one person who you can confide into your problems, fears, secrets, or other... and I know this. It's hard pretending to be happy. But it's even harder to be yourself when you think it'd make everything worse around you. I always lived my life without complaining about the deep emotional things. I'm tired of no one listening when it's me who wants to talk. I've always been the one listening, been waiting for my turn. But I'm too scared to talk. So I continue to listen. Why am I afraid? I want them to hear me. I want people to care. I want to be pitied. I don't want to want to be pitied, but I do anyway. It makes me feel like at least I know that I care about myself.

All the time I hear, "Just tell me." and "I understand." When it's clear to me that you don't understand. You don't know what I'm feeling. Those are just empty words trying to make me feel better.... but they're not working. They're broken words. You can't fix a broken toy with a broken tool...

I hate being weak. I hate being easily led. I hate being walked and stomped all over. I want someone to hear me. To ask me what's wrong. To cry with me... and then, I may believe your "I understand's"....

\(u_u)/\(u_u)/\(u_u)/\(u_u)/

16: I've realised that the world hasn't changed much. I still feel the same way. I still wanna tell my "woe is me" stories.... is it okay if I can be a little sad? Is it okay if I ask to be pitied... just for a little while? Only a little pity I seek and that would give me enough strength to keep moving forward. To know that someone else cares....

During my relationship with my ex (we'll call him "P"), the first half of the year was an average okay one that I didn't mind. But, then P shown his true colors, and it wasn't just little arguments. It was full blown fights and screams. Many a times I've attempted a breakup, and everytime he has pulled the same "pity-me-cry-baby" card. A man had never looked so unmanly. And finally, 2 months after our 1 year anniversary, I couldn't take it anymore. After the night that he broke into my room and forced my shorts off, I punched him in the temples and attempted to shove him out the door. It was a good thing my sister and brother-in-law were there, or else he might have never left. I used to be that girl on the road to becoming the woman I had always wanted, and he ruined it for me. But now I'm better than ever! :D

About 3-4 months after our breakup, he goes out with my best friend. But, eh, I don't mind. She liked him anyway and we are still best friends Of course I'm not stupid enough to let a guy ruin my friendships XP But they broke up a couple weeks later. *shrug* So here I am, "enjoying" my single life..... woo~.... it's a parteh =_=

Now, before I continue this drab story, I'd like for you to meet Johnny :3.... "Who's Johnny?" Well, you see, Johnny is just a made up character that popped into my head one day while daydreaming in my room by my lonesome (ESCAPISTIC!!!). I won't bore you with his description, but he was my literal dream guy and for months he always stayed with me in my head. XDD He actually, seriously, became my imaginary boyfriend >_> So~ as the weeks went by, we had lots of adverntures together and I always daydreamed about him until finally, my intuition told me that he wasn't just a made up person. He was a real guy. And he was out there waiting for me >:3

So I decide to go on google for a dating site (Ahem~!). And I find an interesting page. I browse the profiles and what d'you know, there's this guy who looks EXACTLY like Johnny @_@. I'm not asking you to believe me, nor do I expect you to, but this is the truth. I have no reason to lie.

I'll stop here for now. Maybe if someone's interested enough, I'll finish the story...

:hugs:Wolf

Ah! Free hugz! *Glomps* ^w^ I'm sure that ruined your view of me being mature =3=
But, really, thanks. You're right, I am a dreamy idealist My whole life is dedicated to wanting to live out my imagination. My mom isn't really the one to go to for problems. Is part of the reason why I bottle everything up because I think that if she can't understand, no one will. And no one does. I'm the only escapistic human in my school... my whole town, even. I'm probably the laziest person here with a give-a-damn level of 0 =_=

Yeah, a lot of people say I did the right thing in breaking up. But my altruistic side always feels bad everytime I retell this story and about how much I might have hurt him too. And I don't wanna hurt anybody. But no matter what, I'm always going to say "I'll always love you. I may not be 'in love' but I definitely love you. Just as a mother loves her child."

And yes, my life has been going smoother now :3 And I'm even more happy now that I have my new boyfriend, whom we shall call "A".

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As I browse the said profiles and after taking steady breaths, I finally make my own profile and decide to talk to this man whom looked so much like Johnny. I later found out his name (he's "A") and soon we started to converse. We had deep discussions about a few things and I felt like we really connected, so I asked him out (INITIATIVE!!). But, he didn't accept it......... nor did he reject it.

I was quickly reminded that a lot of other girls found him attractive too so I told him I'd have to fight for him TT^TT... Now, you see, I had to lie about my age to sign up for the dating site (you have to be 18, but I'm only 16) and soon he asked, "Wait, how old are you?" and I told him, "..... Almost 17." and that's when he rejected me because of our age difference. BUT!!! DO NOT FRET!!
After a couple more days, I told him that I would make him fall in love with me. He said "Oh really?" and I told him, "Yes. Head-over-heels." My cute charm finally worked and we both agreed that it'd be okay to date. >:3
It's been almost 4 weeks since our hook up and it's kind of sad to date with our distance... but we both agreed that we want to be together until we meet. And, yes, I am being careful "just in case", but I seriously doubt he's some creepy online predator...

EDIT
And ever since we started dating, my friend pointed out to me, "You know, Cara, everytime you talk about him you're always smiling and blushing."
... Just those words suprised me, cause I never even noticed =I

Lol, we all have that naughty corner somewhere in our heads XD... some may wander there more frequent then others >3> *coughcough*

Yes, it's exactly like that. No bad intentions, just wanting to be free. I hope you and Ryan are doing awesome and continue to be happy.

You have good luck too :3

:hugs:Wolf

Thanks for your concern, Kase ^_____^ I'll be sure to be careful
And I'll be sure to make updates X3

^_^; Thanks obfangirl4life. It was kind of difficult getting it into words about how I felt. Lol, at first I just joked about the imaginary boyfriend with my friends, but eventually I actually believed he was my boyfriend u_u I thought that staying single for this long made me go crazy.
But like my teacher told me "An imaginary boyfriend is the best kind." XDD I know she was just kidding, 'cause even though that imginary boyfriend can be everything you want, there are still some things he can't give you that a real boyfriend can.

Haha, exactly. A perfect boyfriend is not only boring, but he'd make you feel insecure and question yourself. Which could probably lead to depression >>... But yes, even though you're single, with your imaginary boyfriend, he can help make it not so bad =D
Like my current boyfriend, his down side is that he's a mild narcissist. >_> Yeah, that sounds kind of bad, but I don't really mind. That's his flaw that I already learned to deal with and accept

And how.
>w<

:love1::kiss::hugs:
>> Sorry..... just wanted to put some loving smilies =w=

:0!!! I love you're name, Annemarie
=w=