Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore. With everything not just about somethings. And it tends to piss me off very much how I can never be happy. These past few days have ate at my stomach and made me just break down and cry. I don't want to look at anyone without crying and wondering what they are thinking. Sometimes I want someone to turn to me and say, " Faith it's okay, I understand." But it hasn't happen yet and I doubt it will.
The love of my life lives half away across the world and we are breaking down. My friend and his boyfriend, I think, is dying of cancer and we talked a few nights ago for awhile and he had to go back to the hospital to be with him. And we said things to each other that I know we regret. But I don't know what to do. Whether to hold on or to let go. I know if I let go then I will curl into a ball and die. And holding on is just killing me even more. But this is what I want more than anything. And I'm willing to hold on forever.
At the end of the day I wonder if I am good enough for anyone. Boys only look at me for my looks, believe me it's true. I can't find someone who I really love but I have. And he lives half way across the world. But I like someone here. And I'm hoping he likes me too. I even hope he knows I am talking about him. But nothing will happen between us because we live miles away as well. Which fucking blows. But sometimes I sit down and wonder why I even try. No one wants me in the end. I just want someone that can understand that I have flaws and accepts them and basically accepts me. I don't want to change myself for anyone. And I don't want them to change theirself for me.
I find myself listening to sad music and reaching for my blade. Because that's my escape. That's what makes all my pain go away. And people pull away from me. I see them stare at me when I have shorts on. And I only wear them to family's houses or at mine. But it pisses me off. I see them. I look their way and they are glaring down at my torn up legs. I want a guy to just notice them and not be afraid to touch my scars and to say, it's going to be okay now. I want that more than anything. I look at myself in the mirror and notice what's wrong. I'm not toothpick thin but I'm not fat. I see it though. I have BDD and it makes everything worse. I run until I feel like passing out just to please myself so at night I can be proud. I'm not all beautiful but I know I am something. Problaby not to everyone but to someone. I'm hoping and praying it's true.
I'm not perfect as you can see. I have close friends that understand me more than anything. But when will it be enough? Will it ever be okay? I want someone to take my hand and go down this bumpy road with me. I keep my haters closer to me for some reason. I think that's why I continue to live is because I got people to prove wrong in life. People ask why I love my haters so much and the reason is because I feel like I'm doing something right. If you wake up and talk about me then hey, I must be doing something right. And you don't affect my life, I affect yours. And if no one is hating on you then call me up and I'll let them hate on me. I get sick of how people say I am a fake and wannabe.
Well listen, this is my true self. I don't cut my hair for anyone or dress to impress. You will see me in chucks, skinny jeans and a band shirt basically everyday. That's me. You will never see me in prep clothing or high dollar shit. That isn't me. And if you don't like it then oh well. I'm not going to go to the store and buy fake hair to clip on just because you don't like my hair cut. I won't wash off my black chipped nail polish just for you. I think people hate me because I got guts to do half the fucking shit they wouldn't dare to do. The media and society affects people too much. I have self love sometimes. There are days where I love myself and other days I don't even want to look at myself. But don't fucking call me a fake. Because you are as fake as you make me look. I don't follow the trends. Yes, I do go by emo by I'm ten times better than emos. That's my opinions. I'm very open minded. I tend to hurt people's feelings. I think if you can not handle what is being thrown to you over the internet then you won't make it in life. Learn to suck it up. Not everyone is going to like you. That's their lose. Don't worry and don't hang on to it. Let it go. That's what they want you to do. They want you to change. But don't. Be yourself and love it. No one can tell you are doing it fucking wrong. Seriously. Once you find yourself then go with it. Don't change for anyone.
The love of my life lives half away across the world and we are breaking down. My friend and his boyfriend, I think, is dying of cancer and we talked a few nights ago for awhile and he had to go back to the hospital to be with him. And we said things to each other that I know we regret. But I don't know what to do. Whether to hold on or to let go. I know if I let go then I will curl into a ball and die. And holding on is just killing me even more. But this is what I want more than anything. And I'm willing to hold on forever.
At the end of the day I wonder if I am good enough for anyone. Boys only look at me for my looks, believe me it's true. I can't find someone who I really love but I have. And he lives half way across the world. But I like someone here. And I'm hoping he likes me too. I even hope he knows I am talking about him. But nothing will happen between us because we live miles away as well. Which fucking blows. But sometimes I sit down and wonder why I even try. No one wants me in the end. I just want someone that can understand that I have flaws and accepts them and basically accepts me. I don't want to change myself for anyone. And I don't want them to change theirself for me.
I find myself listening to sad music and reaching for my blade. Because that's my escape. That's what makes all my pain go away. And people pull away from me. I see them stare at me when I have shorts on. And I only wear them to family's houses or at mine. But it pisses me off. I see them. I look their way and they are glaring down at my torn up legs. I want a guy to just notice them and not be afraid to touch my scars and to say, it's going to be okay now. I want that more than anything. I look at myself in the mirror and notice what's wrong. I'm not toothpick thin but I'm not fat. I see it though. I have BDD and it makes everything worse. I run until I feel like passing out just to please myself so at night I can be proud. I'm not all beautiful but I know I am something. Problaby not to everyone but to someone. I'm hoping and praying it's true.
I'm not perfect as you can see. I have close friends that understand me more than anything. But when will it be enough? Will it ever be okay? I want someone to take my hand and go down this bumpy road with me. I keep my haters closer to me for some reason. I think that's why I continue to live is because I got people to prove wrong in life. People ask why I love my haters so much and the reason is because I feel like I'm doing something right. If you wake up and talk about me then hey, I must be doing something right. And you don't affect my life, I affect yours. And if no one is hating on you then call me up and I'll let them hate on me. I get sick of how people say I am a fake and wannabe.
Well listen, this is my true self. I don't cut my hair for anyone or dress to impress. You will see me in chucks, skinny jeans and a band shirt basically everyday. That's me. You will never see me in prep clothing or high dollar shit. That isn't me. And if you don't like it then oh well. I'm not going to go to the store and buy fake hair to clip on just because you don't like my hair cut. I won't wash off my black chipped nail polish just for you. I think people hate me because I got guts to do half the fucking shit they wouldn't dare to do. The media and society affects people too much. I have self love sometimes. There are days where I love myself and other days I don't even want to look at myself. But don't fucking call me a fake. Because you are as fake as you make me look. I don't follow the trends. Yes, I do go by emo by I'm ten times better than emos. That's my opinions. I'm very open minded. I tend to hurt people's feelings. I think if you can not handle what is being thrown to you over the internet then you won't make it in life. Learn to suck it up. Not everyone is going to like you. That's their lose. Don't worry and don't hang on to it. Let it go. That's what they want you to do. They want you to change. But don't. Be yourself and love it. No one can tell you are doing it fucking wrong. Seriously. Once you find yourself then go with it. Don't change for anyone.
