Is it abuse?

CATastrophe · Mar 9th 2009, 7:19pm

Here's the deal--

I live with my step-dad, mom, brother and four year old half-sister. It was cool here at first, me and my brother settled in well after dealing with the divorce of our parents. But when mom and my step-dad Simon got married, everything changed.

Turns out that Simon REALLY likes his alcohol. And he gets drunk and loses his temper a lot. A lot of the time, he starts smashing things. My favourite mugs have been smashed, and he has smashed the oven with a hammer. It's always over trivial things too, like if one of us is being unusually quiet or something. He calls my mom vulgar names and he hates me brother and calls him nasty things too. He shouts a lot, proper bellowing like. He has threatened to throw us on the street with no place to live, but at the same time says he'll commit suicide if we leave. He has sworn blind that he'll murder several people who he doesn't like, and I sure as hell believe that if they annoy him enough he'd do it.

Sometimes, me and my younger brother are cowering in our room, and I have a phone in my hand ready to dial 999 if I hear Simon hurting my mom. He's gotten close before, thrown her against a table or the wall, threatened her with a fist, but he hasn't yet. My real dad hit her before, so I'm kinda paranoid about that sorta thing.

It's really getting us all down. We're miserable all the time and we want to leave. But we have no house and no money-- we have nowhere to go. So we're stuck here with Simon, putting up with his alcohol and his temper.

I just wanted to know-- is this a form of abuse, this yelling and name-calling and smashing things? When he's sober, he's lovely! I'm confused because I don't know how I feel about him-- do I hate him for his temper, or love him for his occasional sober moments?

Pipkin · Mar 9th 2009, 7:42pm

Yelling, screaming, name calling - rage! Rage and all the rest is abuse. It is verbal abuse! It's also what I once had done to me by an abusive, hateful, unloving mother and father who made my life Hell.

Sometimes people who like drinking conceal their habit until all's secure. Then they bring it all out. And then the physical violence, the sick raging unrelenting abuse is handed out on children and teenagers, even wives.

I don't know how old you are, haven't looked yet. But one of the great ways you can get help is by contacting Childline. ChildLine Home

In calling them, their phone number will not show up on your parents' phone bill. You will talk to someone who is experienced, gentle and wants to help. You calling them is free, it's confidential. And best of all, the person you speak to will get you the very best help they can.

Also, don't forget the forum mods here. They may also be able to help you in some way. They've been great to my girlfriend, really helped her through a crisis.

I've been adopted for 4 years now. My Mum and my family I live with are great. There is hope, I know there is hope and you must hold onto this and for your younger bro. I will keep you in my heart and hoping, praying good thoughts.

Neal · Mar 9th 2009, 8:01pm

Yes, you don't have to just call 911 though, you can send them continuing e-mails. Check to see if your local police department has an e-mail address.

Also, keep a list. And most importantly, *date* them. Type them up too.

COK3CAD3T · Mar 9th 2009, 9:00pm

Yeah like neal says; contact your LOCAL police station (if you don't think you can tell them face to face, take a print out of this thread) and show them.

They won't arrest anyone or nothing, but they could hook you up with help and support and be there for you when ever you need them.

Just keep a log/diary. It will not only help you get your feelings out on paper, it could be serious evidence if he did hurt someone or even commit suicide. =/

goodluck x

armyforthebroken · Mar 9th 2009, 11:58pm

CATastrophe wrote:

I just wanted to know-- is this a form of abuse, this yelling and name-calling and smashing things? When he's sober, he's lovely! I'm confused because I don't know how I feel about him-- do I hate him for his temper, or love him for his occasional sober moments?

Being drunk is no excuse for that kind of behavior. The yelling, name-calling, etc is called verbal abuse. If it hurts, it's abuse (remember that.) However, obviously alcohol does something to his behavior and he's completely opposite from his sober side. There should not be any reason why the rest of your family have to cower in fear because of your stepfather's drinking; you should talk to your family members about it to see if there is a way in which you can help your stepfather get better. Being an alcoholic is a disease and there is a treatment, which I strongly suggest you should do. This isn't just for your stepfather, but for everyone else involved; his alcoholism affects everyone. Even if he is like this, you should still support him and tell him to get better, have a talk with him. He probably doesn't know how bad his drinking hurts you guys and he'll realize this once this issue is presented to him.

Also, as Neal suggested, calling your police station is a good thing to do. Personally, if I was ever in your situation, I'd be afraid to dial the police in fear of my father being taken away. However, it shows that you want him to get better and maybe some time locked up will help him realize his wrongdoings.

Good luck!
Support Leader,

armyforthebroken

AmandaH. · Mar 10th 2009, 12:07am

This is a form of abuse. And he has also thrown your mother against the wall which is violent behavior.
Just because he's good when he's sober doesn't mean he has any right at all to do that to your mom or brother.
And it seems like you guys are trapped in your own home. Threatening to kill himself if you leave? Thats quite ridiculous.
And the fact that you have a four year old in the house also. That makes things worse.
Just imagine what your little sister is thinking when this happens. Not much right now becuase she probably doesn't understand at the moment but do you want her growing up around this?
Your stepdad seems like he doesn't know how to handle himself and if he's swore he would kill several people he doesn't like then who knows what he could do to your mom, you, your sister or your brother.
Next time he does something like that when he's drunk you really should call 911.

My real dad was an alcoholic and used to hit my mother in front of me when I was only three. I might have been young but I still have faint images of that.
Don't let your little sister grow up with those images as well.

RockMeBaby<3 · Mar 10th 2009, 2:29am

I say, it is abuse because he's threatened and clearly there is verbal abuse going on. It is also clear that there is physical abuse going on.

I would talk to your mom one day when your step dad isn't around and tell her how unsafe you feel, take your brother and half sister with you as well. So you all have a say, if you're half sister can talk and is willing too that is. But I would bring her with anyway in case you wanna use in example when explaining all of this to your mom, she seems like a good person to use because she's the youngest and isn't able to defend nor take care of herself.

I would explain this calmly with as much detail and as many examples as you can. Such as the one where you're all cowering in your room with your cell in your hand ready to dial 911 and the ones where he's hit her and what not. As well as, your real father abusing your mother. Explain to her that you don't wanna go through that again, you shouldn't have too nor should she; she deserves better and so do you and your brother and half sister (if you take her with you.)

Tell your mother that you would like to leave or what you would like to do, when and why. Do this the same way as explaining how unsafe you feel; calmly with many details and examples. I think it's important that you do that because perhaps your mother doesn't realize that toll something like this is taking on her kids and on herself. And maybe she just needs someone to tell her she deserves better. A lot of things like this, women getting involved with abusive men, comes from experiences in their childhood. I would even consider calling the police or heading down to the police station to file a report, if you have some, take evadince. And take action towards him, this way he doesn't do something like this to another family and if you leave, you know you can leave safely, nothing will happen to you or your family.

Let us know how it works out, sorry you have to go through something like this, that's just awful.

PM me anytime if you wanna talk.(:

Ken_ · Mar 10th 2009, 4:12am

I have a dad like this, the easiest solution I came up with, was getting me and someone else to throw him into a wall, or in any fight back. Since he's an alcoholic you may want to send him to rehab, I've been there it isn't too bad, but it'l hopefully help him.

RockMeBaby<3 · Mar 10th 2009, 11:00am

Ken_ wrote:

I have a dad like this, the easiest solution I came up with, was getting me and someone else to throw him into a wall, or in any fight back. Since he's an alcoholic you may want to send him to rehab, I've been there it isn't too bad, but it'l hopefully help him.

I really hope he was joking; cause, don't do that, that'll make things worse. Rehab is a good idea.

Neal wrote:

Yes, you don't have to just call 911 though, you can send them continuing e-mails. Check to see if your local police department has an e-mail address.

Also, keep a list. And most importantly, *date* them. Type them up too.

He is right you don't have to call 911, you can e-mail them, dating them, probably a bad idea.

CATastrophe · May 14th 2009, 12:55pm

I haven't come online in so long, but it was real nice to come here and see so many people giving me great advice. c: Thank you so much everyone!

There hasn't been anything physical coming from him in a while- just shouting, stamping his feet and threatening to shoot the dogs because they snarl at him when he gets loud. He wouldn't, I don't think. Him and my mom don't talk much any more, which means there's less to argue about.

I didn't want to get the police involved 'cause I really hate the idea of getting him arrested or something. But we persuaded him to get involved in counselling. It seemed to be working, until we found that he's been sneaking cans of beer at work. He has at least eight a day, and has not told the counsellor that he has a drinking problem.

Someone suggested getting my mom and siblings together to talk about it. That's a really good idea, but I don't want to admit to them that it's bothering me. Mom talks to me about it, how it bothers her, so I feel like I need to be the one that isn't showing any upset by it. I don't want to tell her how I feel. I think it'll make her feel like she's failed to protect us. Sometimes she cries and says 'Sorry for putting you guys through this again'. This is mainly why I've put up this thread here. It's nice talking about it without feeling like I'm hurting anyone.

There is hope, I know there is hope and you must hold onto this and for your younger bro. I will keep you in my heart and hoping, praying good thoughts.

Thankyou! Maybe he'll change. All he has to do is cut down on the drinking, I'm certain that'll help. But he denies having an alcohol problem, urgh.

Thanks again for the advice and support, guys. c;

Jack · May 14th 2009, 12:57pm

That is abuse! id tell your friends or something, maybe ring a help centre or something but you have to stop this

RockMeBaby<3 · May 14th 2009, 8:08pm

CATastrophe wrote:

I haven't come online in so long, but it was real nice to come here and see so many people giving me great advice. c: Thank you so much everyone!

There hasn't been anything physical coming from him in a while- just shouting, stamping his feet and threatening to shoot the dogs because they snarl at him when he gets loud. He wouldn't, I don't think. Him and my mom don't talk much any more, which means there's less to argue about.

I didn't want to get the police involved 'cause I really hate the idea of getting him arrested or something. But we persuaded him to get involved in counselling. It seemed to be working, until we found that he's been sneaking cans of beer at work. He has at least eight a day, and has not told the counsellor that he has a drinking problem.

Someone suggested getting my mom and siblings together to talk about it. That's a really good idea, but I don't want to admit to them that it's bothering me. Mom talks to me about it, how it bothers her, so I feel like I need to be the one that isn't showing any upset by it. I don't want to tell her how I feel. I think it'll make her feel like she's failed to protect us. Sometimes she cries and says 'Sorry for putting you guys through this again'. This is mainly why I've put up this thread here. It's nice talking about it without feeling like I'm hurting anyone.

Thankyou! Maybe he'll change. All he has to do is cut down on the drinking, I'm certain that'll help. But he denies having an alcohol problem, urgh.

Thanks again for the advice and support, guys. c;

Well, that's soo good to hear. I hope your dad gets help with his drinking, although it sounds like he's doing a good job.

As far as your mom, talk to her about how you feel, even if it does make her feel like she failed, it isn't too late to change. Plus, if she opens up to how she feels to you that probably means you think and feel the same way. So, you should open up to her as well.

korenseoul · May 24th 2009, 7:17pm

Ok.
I'm fifteen, so probably a bit younger than you. However, I know EXACTLY what is going on and what you are talking about. I've been through it, too.

The guy is an alcoholic, and whether he touches someone or not, he is abusive. Emotionally/mentally abusive, which is worse than physical abuse-- trust me. And he will hit someone eventually.

Please, please listen to me. Don't wait for another drunken episode. Just get help ASAP. Tell someone, call someone, etc. People told me this when I was younger, and I did not listen. I, unfortunately, paid the price.

SugarrBum · May 25th 2009, 5:41pm

Yes. Thiss is deffinately abuse!!
I have been through the same thing.
Its sounds as though your step dad has a serious drinking problem.
But you shouldnt be scared in your own home!!
You need to talk to your mum, as soon as.
Your step dad needs to sort his problem, or lose his whole family [you].
You all need to talk, stop living in a hell house.
It will be really hard, but it can only get better.
Whatever you do, NEVER stay quiet about it.
Talk!!

-Good luck .

x.sabrina.x · May 25th 2009, 6:14pm

ow, that rly is a catastrophe...dont have much to add, everyones already said it. its abuse.

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